Our Journey

Long memory

2010-11-07T21:05:00.000-06:00

As I rocked my precious girl to sleep tonight, and she hugged me and snuggled close, my heart was full and grateful for the treasure nestled in my lap. As we rocked and snuggled, she sat up and looked at me with an open, sincere expression and said, "Momma, miss Kimmy." Kimmy is Hanna's best friend. She lives in an orphanage in the Philippines. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: You miss Kimmy?
Hanna: Uh-huh. MJ. (her other close friend from the PI)
M: You miss MJ, too?
H: Uh-huh. Sing-a-Loo-uhd. Sing-a-Loo-uhd-a-Kimmy.
M: You sang to the Lord with Kimmy?
H: Uh-huh. Nex-a-her. Sit nex-a-her sing-a-Loo-uhd.
M: You sat next to her and sang to the Lord?
H: Uh-huh. Read.
M: And Kimmy would read with you?
H: Uh-huh.
(Pause)
H: Love MJ. (sad face)
M: You love MJ. I know. (tears filling eyes...mine)
H: Come-a-my-room.
M: You want Kimmy and MJ to come over to your room?
H: Uh-huh. Play.
M: I wish they could. I wish you could see them one more time.
H: One more time.

It was a treasured glimpse into my sweet daughter's heart and mind. I only wish I could do something to help her. Sadly the only remedy for separation from and longing for a friend is to be reunited. I will pray for her heart to be made whole and ask you, dear reader, to do the same.

One month later...

2010-06-10T22:33:00.002-05:00

We've been home a month now and we are doing very well. In some ways it feels like we have always been together. Always been a family. In many ways it feels like we know each other inside and out. Like she is of my body, of my blood, shares my mind and make up.

Then other times I am reminded that I don't always intuitively know what she wants, what she thinks, how she feels. We are still learning each other, but God's grace has knit our hearts together in ways that I simply can not explain. She IS my daughter, my treasure, my love.

Hanna is adjusting so well. She still follows Caleb EVERYWHERE and says and does whatever he says or does. Caleb is also getting more and more used to sharing everything - even Mommy - with Hanna.

There are so many little things that tell me that she is really accepting that this is her forever home (as much as she "gets" what that even means). She and Caleb frequently have "My Mommy! No, MY MOMMY" spats :) which always end in big hugs for all. She also loves to play a little game with me that starts with her saying "Ah-baby" and me saying "Yes, Hanna is Mommy's baby" and her giggling her head off. This is followed by "Daddy baby?" and "Lay-leb baby?" I she wants me to say that yes, both she AND Caleb are mine and Steven's "babies" :)

We even have a bedtime routine that she is adamant about following, including me singing "My Girl" to her..."Song? Gull?" is what she says and won't take no for an answer...not that I've ever said no to that particular request :) and the either Steven or I praying over her while she repeats the last word of each sentence we speak in a tiny little whisper.

All in all we are doing GREAT, considering, and I would only ask that you continue to pray for her heart and continued bonding and grief recovery, for Steven and I as we walk the road to becoming successful parents of 2 and adoptive parents as well, and for me that the Lord would clearly show me how to mother these two precious children He has entrusted to my care in a way that would glorify and please Him.

Now, just for smiles...

Sister LOVES her boots!!!

Her first day at church...and on the playground!

First week home

2010-05-14T06:57:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow marks one week since we arrived home with Hanna.

For the most part, things are going well. She is still waking up well in the mornings and she and Caleb play so well together. She loves to be with me and with Steven and calls out for us and looks for us periodically when she's playing. She LOVES to watch "Signing Time" and know a lot of Sign Language for a child her age.

She runs up to us and gives hugs and kisses and smiles and laughs all the time. She talks so much more than we thought at first...she just needed to warm up to us, I guess.

I would be lying if I said it was all love and kisses, though. She is definitely going through an adjustment and is grieving the loss of her previous caregivers and friends. She asks for them occasionally and wants to look at pictures of her friends often. There have been several times when she has cried for a while inconsolably. She actually seems angry at these times and will scream, not only cry. The last time this happened, yesterday, she started asking for "Kim", "Kimmie", "MJ", "Abby", "Noni" (which is actually Nori) and so we looked at some pictures.

We're still "learning" each other and that takes time. We're making progress with God's help and I know that He will continue to build our family for His glory. Please pray for Hanna that He would continue to walk her through her grief and for us that He would show us what to do for her and what NOT to do for her, as well.

Here are a few pictures of some things we've done this week. Enjoy :)

Progress and the power of prayer

2010-05-11T07:39:00.003-05:00

We have now been home with Hanna for 3 nights. The first night was NO problem because we were all so exhausted that she was literally asleep by the time her head hit the pillow. The morning, however was a different story. She woke up crying and apparently terrified that she was alone, Momma wasn't there, and she might not have even known where she was.

Fast forward to rest time, and she freaked out when I tried to lay her down in her bed, so I laid down with her and she went right to sleep. We've had to wake her at every rest time so far, so we don't know if she'd cry if she woke up then, but I'm betting she would.

Same exact story on Monday (yesterday) and I had to lay down with her at rest and bed time.

Imagine our excitement when she woke up this morning and all we heard was "Daddy!" in a very happy, playful voice. When Steven went upstairs, she was lying awake in bed and was happy to see him.

This is a perfect answer to prayer as we have been praying for her that the Lord would give her a feeling of safety and security in her room, that He would give her surety of our permanence and that when she woke up that she would remember where she was.

What a GREAT God we serve!!

Swimming with brother

2010-05-10T20:30:00.000-05:00

When we got to Baguio, we promised the kids that we could go swimming, so after our visit to ICAB, it was time to "pay the piper" :)
We had been swimming once already with Hanna, but this was the first time with just our family, so it was the first time that she really got to play with Caleb in the pool. Let me just say it was a RAGING success. They played and splashed and laughed and loved playing together. She is pretty fearless in the water which is nice, and doesn't mind water in her face at all. She fell down a couple of times and just stood back up and kept playing.
Check out these pictures to see how much fun they had together!

and just for fun...

Visiting ICAB

2010-05-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

Every adoptive family visiting the Philippines to take custody of their child or children is required to visit the Intercountry Adoption Board, also known as ICAB. This is the governing body in the Philippines responsible for matching children for international adoption.

It was a completely painless appointment. We went in, we met a few people, we took a few pictures, no big deal. They did have a few gifts for Hanna and even for Caleb and I thought that was very sweet. They gave Hanna a cultural doll, a Philippines flag, and a book that is all about the PI and also has places in it for pictures of Hanna and our family. It's kind of like a baby book. They also had us write a note to Hanna that will be placed in her file for the day when she travels back to the Philippines to discover more about her heritage.

The appointment could have taken a lot longer, but we happened to come on a day that the matching board was meeting, so we didn't need to meet any of them and were "in and out".

Here are a few pictures of our visit:

Che, our local agency rep, and Caleb waiting for our turn to speak to the ICAB rep, Kathy.

Hanna's doll from ICAB.

Our family in front of the sign ICAB hung to greet us.

Bye-bye Baguio

2010-05-10T10:50:00.006-05:00

When it was time to leave Baguio City our new friends the Piets were SO gracious to save us from another bus ride and instead treated us to riding with them to Manila. It was SO fun to get to spend these last hours with them visiting and soaking up the fellowship with new friends that we won't get to see for a year or two. We will really miss them!

Hanna with "Momma Kim" on the car ride down the Mountain

As we drove down the mountain, we were able to enjoy the sights and visit with our friends. One of the most unique things we saw was a funeral procession. They were all walking with umbrellas behind the hearse and some military officers.

It was such a nice trip. We just can't say enough about how much we appreciate NOT having to take the bus and getting to spend those hours with our sweet friends!

Giant rock lion. 'Nuff said.

Pics of the view on the way down the mountain. They can't possibly do justice to the majesty of God's creation. It is breathtaking.

Our day at the market

2010-05-06T06:23:00.018-05:00

So I promised chicken heads...
On the left, chicken heads, whole, for 70 pesos/kilo. On the right, chicken INTESTINES for 55 pesos/kilo.
Don't ask me what for. I didn't ask and I can not begin to imagine.

This strange sight was just the tip of the iceberg at the market in Baguio. Our new friends, Brian and Gloria Burns, took us to see the authentic daily life market in Baguio City and let me tell you, it was an experience not to be missed!
At stalls next to and near each other you can find everything from fresh, locally grown fruits and veggies, to equally fresh fish to every part of the pig...yes I do mean EVERY part...
What you see to your right, here, is a photo of a stall selling pig...well, I'm not sure if they were offering the leg or the foot, but you got both, anyway...and pig's ears as far as you can see!
However, in among the strange and the gross, was beauty and real life.

These roses were (the equivalent of) $1 for 1 dozen. Yes, you did read that correctly. And the below garlands were just lovely.

The fish, fruits and veggies were just as fun to look at...
and they sold rice by the barrel full!
It was just so fun and only got better as we made our way to the more "touristy" part of the market to shop for souvenirs with the help and encouragement of our sweet friend Gloria, the bargain getter! (pictured in blue)

She helped us so much and the kids really had a lot of fun considering that we were just shopping which is really no fun at all for kids!

But the trip really did tire Miss Hanna out!

So after, we went back to the house for a bit before going to Brian and Gloria's for dinner. Gloria is a fab cook and Caleb ate better at their house than he's eaten this entire trip!

About half way through dinner we had a kamikaze bug the size of my FIST (maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much!) fly through the dining room on his way to the kitchen. We were all jumping and dodging so fast we were laughing our heads off!

At the end of the evening, we said our goodbyes knowing that we'd be leaving in the morning and wouldn't see each other for quite a long time. It was really emotional as all goodbyes have been on this trip. We really feel as though we've always known these people in a way that only God Himself could orchestrate. He has simply knit our hearts together.
We will truly miss all the wonderful people we've met here in the Philippines and especially in Baguio City!

And just in cast I've got you all misty-eyed or sentimental, let me leave you with this parting thought...

How would you like this for lunch:
Whole Chicken, on a stick.

A sad farewell, and school shopping

2010-05-05T02:50:00.001-05:00

Today we went to SHIP to legally take custody of Hanna by signing the paperwork required to do so. Honestly, we had been concerned that Hanna would be too fearful to go back into the home. As I've written here previously, she loves her friends and caregivers and has been excited to see them throughout the week at different places, like church and the swimming pool, but has been very clingy to us whenever we've neared the home. For this reason, we prayed for and over her this morning that she would have peace and be able to go inside and enjoy saying goodbye to those who have loved her so well for the first 2 years of her life.

Once again, we placed our hope in a God who is more than able to accomplish far more than we can ask or imagine and He glorified Himself in the situation. Hanna was perfectly at ease in the home, but clearly understood that we were here for a visit and nothing more. She happily gave hugs and told her friends and "mamas" "Bye-bye!" She was cheerful and playful and it was such a blessing to watch.

Little did we know that the ones we should have been praying for were the caregivers and ourselves. It was a very emotional time as we gave out gifts, took pictures, and said goodbye. One of the caregivers who (we learned later) had fallen in love with Hanna and often took her to church, simply broke down and began sobbing. Another tearfully kissed her head and said "I release you". These women will forever have a special place in my heart for loving my daughter so much that she is now able to love and trust me easily with God's help.

After the goodbyes, we took all the school-aged kids shopping so that Steven and I could buy them school shoes and backpacks and that was a BLAST.
Everyone got to pick out their shoes (sort of :) ) and try them on, and then pick out their backpack.
The kids were all so sweet and when we were done, they each said thank you in their sweet shy ways.

After shopping the Piet family and the Burns family who are the directors of the home, took us to lunch in Baguio City center at a restaurant that was beyond delicious. It was Mongolian, and I WILL be trying to cook like that at home!

As for the rest of our afternoon at the market, you'll have to wait until later, but I will leave you with this little tid-bit...chicken heads...see, now you can't wait, can you? :)

Further proof...

2010-05-03T18:30:00.001-05:00

So, if we weren't convinced before (which we WERE!) that Hanna was born - created, designed by our Mighty Awesome God - a Reutter, this picture should cinch the deal!

First a pic of Caleb from years past -

Now a pic from this morning -

Check out the arms!

PS - I often sleep like this, too, but I'm not about to show ya'll that! :)

Swimming and the amazing power of our God

2010-05-03T17:30:00.002-05:00

So today we went swimming with all the kids and staff from SHIP. The above picture is of us with the view from SHIP. It was a really great day.

We started our day slowly, which was nice, and I got to make breakfast for us all. The rest of the family had pancakes and I also made eggs for myself, Hanna, and Steven (have I mentioned how nice and strange it is to have a child who will eat just about whatever I put in front of her?). After breakfast, we all got our swim gear on/together and headed out to SHIP to pick up the kids and caregivers.

It has been so interesting to see how Hanna reacts when we pull up to the house where she has lived. We have done it 3 times now and each time has been the same - she "koala bear" clings to whomever of us is holding her. The first time it was Steven. Today (both times) it was me. This morning, we were switching cars to ride on to the waterpark, and when she and I got out of the car, it got worse! She even TURNED AWAY from a caregiver she has known for her entire life (one of her primaries) and clung to me, burying her face in my shoulder. I was simply amazed. Shocked almost seems a better word, but that would not be accurate. If I were shocked, it would imply that I do not expect my God to do the things that I know He is more than capable of doing. That is not so. I KNOW that my God chose my Hanna before the foundation of the world to be my daughter and Steven's daughter, and Caleb's sister. I KNOW that he does not do these things to make our lives worse, but to make them better - better in His estimation. His plans and paths may be hard, but they are always better.

So I will say that I am amazed.
Amazed at the power of my Mighty God.
Amazed that He is "mindful of me" (Ps 8:4).
Amazed that He, in His lovingkindness, has inclined His ear to the prayers of the saints all over the world (literally) for this precious little girl and has prepared her heart for adoption in ways that leave all of us here with her simply in awe of the HUGE GOD we serve.

When we got to the waterpark, the kids were SO excited, especially Caleb!

I'm pretty sure that Hanna had never been swimming in a big pool before and she was, naturally, a little hesitant, but that did NOT last long! She is a strange mixture of hesitant and fearless in the water. As long as "Mama" has got her or is a least close enough to touch her, she will walk right off the bench in the water, stepping into water too deep for her to touch the bottom. She LOVES to "jump" off the side to me (really just pushing off the bench from a seated position, but BIG fun to Hanna!). She just kept saying "Again!" "Again!"

We had only one moment of "backslide" in the bonding department and I'm not sure it was a totally bad thing. It gave me an opportunity to see something about her I had not yet seen. After snack time, we were just getting back in the pool, and she got mad that Caleb was playing with a float she thought of as "hers" - even though she wasn't playing with it (yeah, I know. That started fast :) ), and when I told her "No, ma'am. We share." She LOST it. After she had calmed down I decided to let her down to play in the water again. BIG mistake. Once I let go of her, she would not come back to me and when one of her previous caregivers was nearby and said "hello" to her, Hanna lunged at her to go with her. I stopped it immediately and we went to another pool to remove temptation, but it was interesting to see that when she's mad at me, she WILL try to go to someone else to get what she wants or needs or just to get away from me.

We had lunch with some of the staff from SHIP (not the caregivers, they were with the other kiddos) in the restaurant at the waterpark and that was really fun because Jing, one for the Filipina staff members, sat next to me and helped me order "gluten-free" food. I got to eat something that I can honestly say I would NEVER have tried if she had not suggested and ordered it for me. It is called "bangus". It is a fish. It was pan-fried (no breading) with soy sauce and onions and was absolutely the BEST FISH I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE!!! And the best part - it cost the equivalent of about $3 US.

Our afternoon was uneventful. We came back to the room, put Hanna down for a nap, watched a movie with Caleb and then had dinner with the Piets.

All in all a GREAT day!

Church. Really.

2010-05-03T09:09:00.003-05:00

On Sunday (yesterday) we went to church with John and Kim Piet and Brian and Gloria Burns. These two couples are the missionaries that run SHIP. We had wanted to go to church with them for a long time. Our friends the Wixes, who were also matched with a child from SHIP, said it was one of the best parts of their trip. I know why.

Integrity Bible Fellowship is a small church, less than 40 people, that meets in the bottom of a house in Baguio City. John is the pastor, Brian the worship leader, Kim runs the "A/V" - if you can call it that since there's not even need for microphones or speakers :).

Worship was such a sweet time and John spoke expositorily from Jeremiah. At the end of the service, John asked Steven and I to come to the front of the room with Hanna, and he asked our permission to dedicate her to the Lord right then and there. His prayer moved both Steven and I (and himself, for that matter) to tears. I am so grateful to God for bringing Hanna into the lives of these precious godly missionaries, for all they've done for her, and for bringing them into our lives through her.

Philippines Day 3

2010-05-02T03:24:00.007-05:00

Yeah, I know. What happened to day 2? Well, I'll tell you. A bus ride happened to day 2. A bus ride at the beginning and a hotel with no wi-fi in the room at the end. But in the middle...Oh, the middle!

We met our Hanna yesterday. We spent the better part of 8 hours on a bus from Manila to Baguio City. When we arrived in Baguio, it began to pour rain. The directors of the home Hanna has lived in met us and our local social worker at the bus station and took us straight to SHIP, the home where Hanna has lived.

She was a little shy at first, but warmed up to Caleb pretty quickly. They were playing and running around together after just a little while, and he had her laughing not long after that.

Now they are thick as thieves...monkey-see-monkey-do totally describes how they behave as she follows him everywhere, and does everything he does and TRIES to say everything he says. He has been so helpful to us and to Hanna and made it so easy for her to trust us.

The first time she said "Mommy" was an accident - she was repeating him - and it seemed to shock her that she had said it. Now she says to me, "Mama? ... " and then tells me what she wants - "Up" "Ma" (more) "Snack" "Socks" "Shoes" (those last two were to take them OFF) and so on. She still isn't terribly verbal, but when she does talk, it is to the point or absolutely adorable! Her laugh is heart-melting.

So all in all we had a great day with our girl. And we found out in the morning just how much of a "Reutter" she really is...

24

2010-04-29T19:18:00.003-05:00

24 hours.

Twenty. Four. HOURS!!!

We left Nashville at 3:20 pm on Wednesday. The time at the Nashville airport and the flight to Denver were uneventful. We were very fortunate in that our gate in Nashville was next to a play area, so Caleb had fun for the 2 hours we waited.

When we arrived in Denver, we got to have a delicious dinner while we waited and finished just in time to board our plane to Vancouver. Steven had warned me on the way into Denver that it was often VERY turbulent landing there. I prayed ALL THE WAY TO THE GROUND, and thought I was out of the woods. Little did I know that the only thing as turbulent as landing is taking off.

I will spare you the miserable details, but suffice to say that I was miserable throughout that flight, for the entirety of our time at the Vancouver airport and until I was able to go to sleep on the plane to Manila.

Again, we were fortunate. The plane from Vancouver to Manila was not full, and we were seated on a row of four with an empty seat and the row directly in front of us was ... EMPTY!! Can you believe that?!? I jumped up on that row and was able to fall asleep after awhile and slept for about 12 hours. Well, I thought, when I woke up, for SURE it was 12 hours. I also thought the flight was only 13, so I woke up HAPPY. Then I asked Steven how long was left in the flight. About 7 hours, he says. At first I thought, surely he's kidding. Nope. The flight was 14 hours and I had slept for half. Once I sat up for a little bit, I started to feel sick again, so I laid back down and slept a bit longer. After that nap, I felt much better.

Caleb slept for about 6 hours on the flight and spent the rest of it charming every person on the plane who looked his direction. Most of the flight crew told him to say "hi" to his sister for them as we were getting off the plane. The nice woman who sat across the aisle from him gave him her maze book and chatted with him for at least an hour, maybe more.

All in all, a pretty good trip.

Here we are. 24 hours later, on the island of Luzon in the Philippines, resting up to go MEET OUR GIRL TOMORROW!!

Hopefully, I'll be able to post tomorrow night with pics and lots of fun stories.

Love to you all ~ The Reutters

Hanna-baby, HERE WE COME!!

2010-04-21T20:45:00.003-05:00

Well, the day has finally come. We got the call today from our social worker telling us to get our travel plans together, we can go get our girl!

We are SO very excited and relieved because her Visa "interview" happened so quickly, so we are able to leave when we hoped we'd be able to. We'll go get her in about a week and finally be a family of four physically not just emotionally.

God is SO good, and His timing is perfect. Please pray for us, our travels, our final packing and preparations, but also pray that the Lord would continue to prepare sweet Hanna to make such a huge transition. Pray that He would speak to our hearts and guide us to be sensitive to her needs. Pray that He would knit our hearts together as only He can.

Now to the One who can do more than we can think or hope or imagine be all the glory, power and honor. Amen.

Caleb-isms X

2010-02-02T21:33:00.002-06:00

Today was a bit of a rough day for Caleb. It wasn't the worst on record by a country mile, but it was rough. Rough enough that HE noticed! This was the conversation we had after I sent him to his room for rest time. When I sent him, he argued and I told him his consequence.

I walked in and found him face down, hugging his "blue doggy" and crying silently.
Mommy: "What's wrong, baby?"
Caleb: "I'm just having a really bad day"
Mommy: "Why is it so bad?"
Caleb: "I want to obey you, but I can't stop arguing."
Mommy: "I'm sorry you're having such a hard time today."
Caleb: "Every time you tell me something, I want to obey and my heart says 'I want to obey my mommy' but then an ugly weed sprouts up and I argue and disobey. It's like that game we played at that place when you hit the shark but another one pops up so you hit that one, too. (BTW - my 4 year old is referring to a variation of "Whack-A-Mole"!) When I punch down one weed another one sprouts up before the good seed can crack open and sprout up.
(Bear in my - HE IS 4 YEARS OLD!! I was a little dumbfounded...)
Mommy: "I'm sorry you're struggling with those weeds today. I'll pray for you during rest time that God will give you the grace and strength to obey without arguing, and you can ask Him to do that, too. He won't MAKE you obey, but He will remind you to obey and give you the ability to do it."

YIKES!! He's gonna pass me up any day now :)

Lord, keep me at least one step ahead!
Amen

NEWS!!

2010-02-02T21:28:00.002-06:00

Hello, all!

We are SO excited to tell everyone that Hanna's legal paper work came to our agency today. This means that our I800 can be sent to the National Benefits Center for processing. In English this means that we are yet another step closer to bringing home baby girl!!!

We are told that "average" time for the next step, Visa application (aka I800) approval, is about 1 month, then we wait for her medical appointment, visa appointment, and for her picture to be compared with known terrorists (no. I'm not kidding.) and then we can go get our girl!

Thanks for praying and keep it up! We may get to spend her birthday with her yet.

Getting ready...

2010-01-30T11:32:00.005-06:00

Ever since we got matched with our beautiful sweet daughter, we've been in this strange transition where there are only two speeds, slow motion and hyper-warp-speed.

Last night we watched "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". In it there is a part where Flint, the main character, makes a giant jello mold that you can go inside and it's like a mansion. Watching this part made me think how this part of the wait feels. At one moment, he and his friend are bouncing all over the place like pinballs, the next second, his friend does a canon ball into the jello pool and just stops, frozen in place in the jello. That's what this part is like, a pinball ricocheting off of every "next step" placed before us, or frozen, unable to get traction to move forward for lack of a solid surface anywhere around.

There is so much to do, to plan for, and it's confusing at times trying to figure out what she'll need since we're kind of jumping in right in the middle of the "baby stage". With Caleb, we got infant stuff and then got the things we needed as we went along, but for her, we have to start with older baby, or early toddler stuff and it's hard to remember or figure out what all we'll need.

It's really fun too, though! Planning, thinking about her and what she'll want, need, etc.

Today, Steven and Caleb are painting her room. It's going to be lavender and girlie and adorable, but what's adorable right now is my men getting our girl's room ready.

Take a look:

REFERRAL!!!!!

2010-01-05T22:44:00.003-06:00

We are joyous to announce that we have been matched with a beautiful 20 month old little girl!

She was the most wonderful Christmas gift we have ever received. We got the call from our agency on December 21st and received photos of her on the 22nd.

Currently, we are waiting for her immigration paperwork to be processed so that we can get permission to travel and bring her home.

Please pray for straight paths and FAST processing. Our deep hope, now, is to bring her home before her birthday in early April.

We will post more when we get it ~ Love, The Reutters

PS - We are not legally allowed to post photos of her on the blog or anywhere online...SORRY!

Advent...Do YOU live it out?

2009-12-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

Jesus tells us in Matthew 24:32 "Now learn the parable from the fig tree: when its branch has already become tender and puts forth its leaves, you know that summer is near; so, you too, when you see all these things, recognize that He is near, right at the door." Many people scoff at those of us with a certainty that the Lord is moving among people and kingdoms preparing the world we know for His imminent return. There are so many headlines as well as buried stories that support this belief, but what if there were not?

Many say that it has been said for generations that the Lord is "coming back in our generation". So why would we believe it now? Every previous generation has been wrong.

What if I am wrong?

What would be the result?

I wonder... did Paul meet Jesus in heaven and say, "Wait a minute! You were supposed to come back BEFORE I died!" Did he think his life wasted that he was "wrong" about the timing?

I think our predisposition to thinking He will not return in our lifetime is the open gateway that we walk through toward a life of lazy Christianity, a sloppy walk, licentiousness. Will my life be wasted if I spend it believing that He could return before I die? Or will my down-to-the-core belief that He could return in my lifetime, or my children's lifetime, change the way I live, the way I act, the way I love and follow Him? Will it give me the courage and the hope to model my life after Jesus the Revolutionary? After Paul the Unapologetic Evangelist?

If those be the results of my belief, then I would die unashamed of being wrong and having lived fully for Him. Before everything I do I want to think "If Jesus returns while I'm doing this will I be ashamed? WHEN He returns will I be ashamed of how I spent my time? money? gifts?"

Thinking like this on a daily basis is hard. I don't live like this. Not all the time. But I want to, and I am praying that the Lord will change my heart in such a way that to live like this every day would be natural. And I trust that He is doing that.

Advent..."His Coming...Our Hope"

2009-12-16T08:00:00.002-06:00

As our family has begun celebrating the traditions we practice each year during the season of Advent, really as I began to prepare for these traditions, the Lord reminded me of something I wrote this past summer (which I will post later). He began to show me that Advent for the Believer is a two-fold celebration. The first being the preparation and anticipation of celebrating the 1st Coming of our REDEEMER, Yeshua Ha'Mashiach, Jesus the Messiah, Jesus Christ. The second being our on-going preparation and anticipation for His GLORIOUS RETURN and 2nd Coming. Last year as our church studied 2 Thessalonians our teaching pastors used the phrase "His Coming...Our Hope." I think this perfectly shows that Advent has a past and a future!

In my study of the book of Daniel, particularly the 3 weeks we spent in chapter 7, he showed me clearly that Jesus Himself specifically told us that we are to be constantly ready. That He will return as a "thief in the night". In Matthew 24 He says "be on the alert for you do not know which day your Lord is coming (v42)" and "you also must be ready; for the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will (v 44)".

Whatever Advent traditions your family holds, I would challenge you this season to examine your Advent preparation for the day-in-day-out, week-to-week grind of life. Do you let "life get in the way"? Let commitments take over time that should be set aside for family worship and devotions or personal time with your Savior.
I know that I do.
Regularly.
My prayer for this year is that my Advent "season" would continue throughout the entire year. That when the Christmas Advent season comes around next year that the only shift would be in the tools we are using - an Advent Wreath, the Advent Book, and an Advent story in addition to our Bible time; Christmas carols in place of or in addition to other worship songs and hymns. My prayer is that my life would become an on-going anticipation for and celebration of the 2nd Advent of my Savior, and that I would be "prepared for every good work (2 Tim 2:21)" because of it.

Advent...Family Traditions

2009-12-13T08:00:00.001-06:00

I'll be honest, our family is relatively new to the Advent traditions part of Christmas, but it has so enriched our lives and celebration of this holy-day that I thought I'd share a little about what Advent is, what we do as a family and some links to places to get Advent "supplies".

First, Advent really just means "coming", but in association with Christmas has come to mean the traditions that we carry out as believers to prepare for the coming of the Messiah which we celebrate at Christmas. There are SO many different things you can do, with your family or by yourself, to prepare with anticipation for Christmas and the 1st coming of Christ, so I will simply share with you what we do in our family.

Each night after dinner we sit down (all in one chair for now since we are only 3, but hopefully we will need a couch for next year (; ) and we begin with our Advent Wreath.

Advent Wreaths come in all shapes and sizes, some are actually greenery, some are metal, some spell out a word, some are a simple circle. What they all have in common is that they hold four taper candles with one pillar candle standing in the middle. You light a new candle each Sunday beginning four Sundays before Christmas and the pillar in the middle, called the Christ Candle, on Christmas day. Ours, which we just got this year, is a Jesse Tree Advent Wreath. The Jesse Tree is a Biblical tracing of the story of the Messiah starting in Genesis. It actually refers to Jesse's, the Father of David, family tree, which is the family tree of Jesus.

This is the Bible reading we do each night. There is Scripture for each night of Advent leading up to Jesus birth. It is wonderful to watch the story of our Redeemer unfold throughout the entire story of Scripture. So we begin with the lighting of the candle, or candles, and read from the Word for that evening.

After our Jesse Tree reading, we read our Advent story book, this year we are using a WONDERFUL book recommended to us by dear friends. It is called "Jotham's Journey". It tells the story of a young Isaelite boy, Jotham, and his travels as he learns about the Messiah who is about to come. The story is broken up into nightly readings for the season. (I believe it is also a trilogy...)

Finally, we finish with "The Advent Book". This book is probably the most beautiful book I've ever seen. Each page is a door with a small portion of the Christmas story, from The Gospel of Luke, behind the door. You open a new door each night until Christmas day. The cool part is that by the time you get to the last door you've read the Christmas story 25 times!

After the Advent Book we finish our time together with prayer and, sometimes, a song.

So that's what WE do. What do YOU do?

Feel free to post a comment and share your Advent traditions.

If you need some additional ideas, I would HIGHLY recommend celebrationsandtraditions.com/. This is the website of the couple who wrote The Advent Book and they have some truly fabulous ideas. I would also HIGHLY recommend aholyexperience.com. This is one of my favorite blogs and is written by Ann Voskamp. She always blogs about their family Advent time and even has written her own Jesse Tree book titled "The Glorious Coming" which is wonderful. My husband and I have used it before.

So go, prepare, anticipate, and share the Good News: He has come and He is coming again!

advent...her coming

2009-12-09T08:00:00.001-06:00

This season of waiting for our referral has gotten a lot harder. Many friends and family ask us regularly if we have "heard anything." It is getting harder and harder to answer that question. The "Not yet" gets stuck in my throat. The "No" is not naturally said with a smile. Thank you for asking. Please keep asking. It is not the asking that is hard. It is the answering.

We periodically hear about referrals other couples at our agency have received. Until recently, this was hopeful news, but as the holidays draw nearer, I am reminded with each one that my daughter is somewhere and will not be with her family for Christmas.

This is what happened yesterday. I heard about 2 more referrals of girls to couples from our agency. My MIND says "Well, obviously, these were neither one YOUR daughter. They were the daughters of these two families. The Lord has built your family, and you must wait for its completion." My heart cries out, "WHY NOT US????"

As I took my sorrow to the Lord in prayer, He reminded me of Psalm 121:

Psalm 121
I will lift my eyes to the mountains
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip,
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper,
The Lord is the shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forevermore.

So I wrote it out in my journal. As I was writing He reminded me of something else, as well. Our family is in the midst of celebrating Advent. Advent means "coming" and in the context of Christmas, we are awaiting the coming of Messiah. As we wait we prepare - watching, waiting, and anticipating with joy and excitement - not sorrow and mourning.

I began to examine how I am awaiting the advent of my daughter. Am I preparing, watching, waiting and anticipating with joy and excitement, or sorrow and mourning. I am sad to say that, of late, I have been lazy with my preparation - constant prayer for her and her transition to this country and our family, reading books on adoption, seeking out support groups to know where we will fit best when she arrives, etc - and my anticipating has turned into a 1st class pity-party of "torn-robes and ashes".

I pray that as our wait continues that the Lord would continue to faithfully remind me that He will never leave me nor forsake me - or my precious Rebekah - and that "He will keep [my/her] soul. [He] will guard [my/her] going out and [my/her] coming in from this time forth and forevermore. (Ps 121:7b,8)"

Caleb-isms IX

2009-12-08T14:01:00.003-06:00

This weekend was a VERY busy weekend at our house. I am co-director for the children's choir at our church and our Christmas Musical was Sunday night. I was at the church...well...all weekend. On Saturday after dress rehearsal, I met my men for a quick lunch. While we were eating the following conversation happened:

(Conversation set-up: Last week was also a Global Summit at our church and my Caleb got to meet 2 of my friends from Africa. When he met my friend James, Caleb said the when he was "9 or 10" Mommy would take him to Africa with her...ummm...probably not....but I love his heart! We did ask him why "9 or 10" and he said, "You know when I'm a grown up" so we explained that 9 and 10 year olds are still kids and he wouldn't be a grown up until he's at least 20 (; )

Mommy: So, buddy, you want to go to Africa with me when you're 9 or 10.

Caleb: No, probably when I'm like, um, about 20. (NO JOKE HE TALKS LIKE THIS!!)

Mommy: Oh, like 20?

Caleb: Yeah, when I'm a grown up.

Mommy: What will you do there?

Caleb: (coloring...) I want to give out the food to the people who don't have any. I'll go and I'll give them some. I'll hand it out.

Mommy: Wow. That's a good thing to do.

Caleb: (still coloring...) Yeah, and maybe if I find my honey, I mean my wife, she can come too and she can learn them about Jesus while I hand out the food if we don't have any kids yet.

At this point I just smiled. I mean what do you say to that? Got to love his heart...and his mind...though!

PS - stay tuned for my soon to come series on Advent...

How great the Father's love for us...

2009-10-29T20:00:00.003-05:00

Well, I already told you all what kind of strange day we've had. Poor Caleb is, I'm happy to say, feeling a little better, thanks to the pain meds the doctors gave him.

We went to dinner at Cracker Barrel tonight because it is one of Caleb's favorite places to eat. About half way through our meal, our waitress came over to ask us if everything was good, and if we needed anything. Then she informed us that another customer had already paid for our meal!!

Just one more "I love you!" on a day when He knew we needed to hear it as often as possible! What an amazing God we serve!

Broken arm, broken heart

2009-10-29T13:16:00.005-05:00

My sweet baby has not been so sweet lately. Precious, yes. Cute, yes. Funny, absolutely! Sweet...well not unless you consider continued, persistent disobedience sweet. Me, not so much.

So yesterday, when he was PLAYING during NAP time, this was just another in a long line of examples of the current state of his heart. And when he fell from the top of his HIGH footboard to the floor, I felt pretty comfortable calling the fall a "natural consequence" of his disobedience.

As is often the case in scripture, the Lord will cause a small amount of temporary pain in order to teach us a lesson of eternal significance. The Lord knew that what Caleb was dealing with in his heart was the fact that he is "wise in his own eyes", always thinking, "I know what you said, Mommy/Daddy, but I'm sure I know better!" And as the Lord sees the heart, He knew exactly what would reach the heart of this child.

Since his fall, we have been talking and he told me that he fell because he disobeyed. He told Steven that he "won't do that again". Now, he is 4, so we can all safely assume that he will, in fact, disobey again. I do think, however, that the lesson landed. Mommy and Daddy have rules that he must obey, yes for his safety, but more because God teaches us to obey our parents...that this is pleasing to Him.

This morning we found out that the arm IS broken. He has to go back
to the hospital in the morning to be sedated so that the arm can be set and a permanent cast can be put on. He will be in the cast for 6 weeks. Again, my "mama's heart" wants to cry for how frustrated he will become over the next 6 weeks with his RIGHT arm in a cast...then I remember how desperately I've prayed that the Lord would work in his heart, showing him where he is wrong and prompting him to change. All I can say is that God is good, God is sovereign, and He sees and cares for the hearts of men...and 4 year old boys.

6 weeks of training in being grateful in all circumstances,
here we come!

A lesson in humility

2009-09-19T17:45:00.010-05:00

This morning, after breakfast, our amazing hosts took us to a mountain just on the outskirts of Comas where we are staying. We were told that we were going there to "pray for the city". I thought, "That's nice. Let's go pray for these nice people."

As we made our way up the STEEP street that lead to the overlook we were to pray from, we were met along the way by an precious and delightful woman named Daisy and her precious son Antonio. They walked with us up to the overlook.

When we reached the top, we took a few minutes to take in the view and take some pictures...

We gathered in a circle and Pastor Enrique shared with us from Psalm 24. He said that we could have gone to a higher mountain to see more of creation, but we came here to see the city. We went up to a mountain, he said, because in the Word, it was very important, spiritually, to go up to a mountain and talk to God. Moses went up a mountain to speak with God and receive the Law. David talks in the Psalms about going to God's holy mountain, Jerusalem. Even Jesus went up on a mountain to pray.

In Psalm 24 it says,

"The earth is the LORD'S, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it.
For He has founded it upon the seas And established it upon the rivers.
Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD? And who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart, Who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood and has not sworn deceitfully. He shall receive a blessing from the LORD and righteousness from the God of his salvation. This is the generation of those who seek Him, who seek Your face, O God of Jacob.
Selah.
Lift up your heads, O gates, and be lifted up, O ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in! Who is the King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, The LORD mighty in battle.
Lift up your heads, O gates, and lift {them} up, O ancient doors, That the King of glory may come in! Who is this King of glory? The LORD of hosts, He is the King of glory.
Selah."

As Pastor Enrique spoke about clean hands and a pure heart and then prayed that the Lord would give us these things, I was convicted of my ugly, hateful pride. I am consumed by it in even the smallest tasks of my life. Particularly, he convicted me of my prideful heart where this trip is concerned. That learning songs in a foreign language has not been an uphill battle for me is NOT of my own doing or because of any knowledge or understanding I have given myself, but because of the way the Lord created my strange brain to function. Because of the work of His Spirit in my mind to prepare me for a trip I would otherwise not have been prepared for.

I have not done this on my own, but until today I had not acknowledged that fact. I my heart, I had lifted myself up as special, intelligent, capable. In fact, I am none of these things apart from the work of the Holy Spirit. If I am special it is His hand on me that makes me so. If I am intelligent, it is from the wisdom He has granted me that apart from Him I would not understand. If I am capable it is because "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" and not by any capability I possess within myself. My prayer tonight is that the Lord would change my heart to reflect Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves".

O Lord, give me clean hands and a pure heart that I may ascend the hill of the Lord and stand on Your holy mountain!

Peru update

2009-09-03T16:29:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are. A short two weeks from our departure for Peru. We are planning, working, rehearsing (did I mention we are leading worship...IN SPANISH - YIKES!!), praying, preparing, packing. I am very excited, but I would be lying if I said that I was not also intimidated. Reading the information we are given about the church in Comas we are visiting, I am left wondering, "What can I offer them?" These are not people devoid of belief. This is an explosively growing, and expanding church. The Lord reassures me that He has called me to this trip, so I sit. Anxiously awaiting what He will teach me, for I am certain that He will bless the children of Peru through e-camp, and knock me off my feet by what He will teach and show me through them.

For now all I can say is please continue to pray for us. Many of us have not reached our fundraising goals yet (myself included). We are trusting in Him who has called us to this work to complete it and I ask each of you to prayerfully consider supporting this trip. If you feel that He is asking you to support our trip you may visit www.fbctn.org/globalgiving and click the "Give Here" button under the picture labeled "Peru Worship Trip". I also ask for your prayers, from now until we return, for our health. A few of us on the team (myself included) have specific health oddities :). (Mines is to do with my digestive system...) Please pray that the Creator of our bodies will sustain our health through the final stages of preparation and throughout the trip. Please pray for those doing the "planning" part of the trip Rob Howard and Philip Morlan. They both need God's grace and peace and His continued reminder that His hand is upon them as the complete the task He has set before them. Last I ask for your prayers for the rest of us who are planning and preparing classes for the kids and struggling to learn songs in a foreign language. Pray as He leads you for all of us. He knows our needs more even than we do ourselves. God bless and thank you, in advance, for interceding on our behalf.

God is...

2009-08-17T09:47:00.004-05:00

The Lord has been dealing with me. You see, last summer I studied Daniel and Revelation and blogged about it ALL SUMMER. It was an amazing experience.

This summer I have been in a DEEP study on marriage. It is a Precept Upon Precept study by Kay Arthur called Marriage Without Regrets. The reason He has been dealing with me is that I have NOT been blogging about it all summer. He has asked me, "Was this a less amazing experience?"...ummm...no. "Was it less impactful?"...ummm...definitely not. "Have I taught you less?"...no, Lord..."So then marriage is not in crisis? You don't know anyone who could benefit from the information I am giving you?...Share, My love...write and share"

So, now I begin. This study has had a deep impact on my life. I pray the Lord shows you places in your life where this His teaching on relationship needs to be applied. He has in mine and walks with me daily as I struggle to apply all that He has taught and continues to teach me.

One of the most foundational lessons in the study was the study on Love. Let's start with the fact that we, in English, have one word for love. When I say "I love you" to my husband, it means something different than when I say it to my son or to my sister or my best friend, but still it is the word "love". Not so in the Word. In the Word, God inspired the writers to use different words that all mean different KINDS of love! This way, if we look up the words, there is no confusion about what the writer meant.

So, today we'll look at the 3 words God used that we've translated "love" and one other Greek word for love that God did not use in His holy Word. (The following is copied from the Precept Upon Precept Marriage Without Regrets study published by Precept Ministries)

1. Eros: 1) erotic love, 2) a love of passion that seizes and absorbs itself into the mind, 3) a love of emotional involvement based on body chemistry, 4) basic idea of this love is self-satisfaction, ie - "I love you because you make me happy"; the foundation of it is some characteristic in the other person that pleases you - if the characteristic were to cease to exist the reason for the love would be gone; this type of love looks for what it can receive and only gives in order to receive and when it fails to get what it wants or expects, bitterness or resentment could develop.
Eros is a CONDITIONAL love. God did not use this word to describe love.
2. Storge: 1)has it’s basis in one’s own nature, 2) a natural affection or natural obligation, 3) natural movement of the soul for husband, wife, child or dog 4) a quiet, abiding feeling within a person that rests on something close to him and that he/she feels good about. In the New Testament this word appears in the noun or verb form with the prefix “a” and therefore negates the love and means without this type of love. In other words, it is used as “unloving”. It is also used with our next word and translated “devoted”.
3. Phileo: 1) companionable love, 2) speaks of affection, fondness or liking, 3) responds to kindness, appreciation, or love, 4) involves giving and receiving, but when strained can collapse in a crisis, 5) called out of one’s heart by qualities in another, 6) it is a higher love than “eros” because it is our happiness rather than my happiness.
4. Agape: 1) called out of one’s heart by the preciousness of the object loved. It is a love of esteem and evaluation. It has the idea of prizing and is the most noble word for love in the Greek language, 2) is not kindled by the merit or worth of its object, but originates in its own God-given nature, 3) delights in giving, 4) keeps on loving even when the loved one is unresponsive, unkind unlovable, and unworthy. It is unconditional love. 5) desires only the good of the one loved and is a consuming passion for the well-being of others.

So what kind of love do you live in? What kind do you show to your husband? your children? your friends? your family? What about those who “don’t deserve it”? What kind do you think God calls us to? We’ll look at that next time. ‘til then, my prayer for you is that you would be open to the conviction of the Spirit and that He would show you how to love better...like He loves.

Peru, here I come!

2009-07-14T20:33:00.008-05:00

***Update: As of today August 13th, $710 has been given toward my trip. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please consider giving if you have not already, and feel free to forward this post on to anyone you know who might be interested in giving and/or praying for our team. We leave in 5 weeks!

I know it has been a long while since I have posted anything to my blog, but you’ll soon see why! I have spent the better part of this summer working toward a brand new children’s worship camp our church is putting together called e-camp. The “e” stands for “everything” as in “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!” Psalm 150:6.

We are SO excited about this camp and the opportunity it presents to share the gospel and teach kids about their awesome, majestic Father in heaven. We were each created for the purpose of worshiping our Creator. The purpose of e-camp is to give children an opportunity to spend a week of their summer in a fun engaging environment where they learn about worship - what it means, why we do it, how to do it and where to direct it. The camp will culminate in a Family Worship Night, Friday night, where the kids will be given the opportunity to express their worship to their Creator. True worship takes practice and discipline. It needs to be explained, demonstrated and taught. We believe that e-camp will be the perfect environment for kids to learn, experience and grow in their adoration of the Father.

We have been overwhelmed at the response to our fledgling camp. We have seen the numbers swell from the 20's to the 30's to more than 90 children registered as we prepare to launch this coming Monday! The Lord is drawing new worshipers to Himself and we simply stand in awe as He moves to accomplish His purposes.

As if this isn’t enough of an honor to work on, the Lord had more (as He usually does!). The same day that our children’s ministry department got the green light for e-camp, our worship department approached the staff member working on it, just in conversation, and told him that our sister church in Comas, Peru had asked the worship and arts department to bring a children’s worship camp to Comas in September! Coincidence? I think not!

So here we are 2 weeks from e-camp and now happily and excitedly planning for “camp-t” - Campamentos Todos. We will be taking e-camp’s format, 16 team members and a documentary crew to Comas from September 18th - 26th. I am overjoyed that the Lord has again asked me to participate in going to another part of the world to love on children!

Here’s where each of you fit in:
Pray!
First, I would so appreciate each of you praying for our team as we prepare and translate e-camp. Would you pray that e-camp would have a deep impact on the worship of the children who will attend. Will you pray for each of our small group leaders as we prepare to teach the children about dramatic speech, percussion, singing, dancing and art, each as an expression of worship. Will you pray also for the hearts of the children that the Lord would prepare them to meet with Him and be eternally impacted.

Give!
Second, there is a cost associated with this trip. The cost to each team member will be $1400. I am asking each and every person who reads this post to consider giving just $10. If 140 of you give $10, my trip cost will be covered! If more of you do this, then the overflow can bless other members of our team and help us with other costs such as the gifts we love to take to the people of our sister church. There are two easy ways to give. First, send a check to Fellowship Bible Church at 1210 Franklin Road, Brentwood, TN 37027. Write “Peru trip Mandy Reutter” in the memo line. Second, go to www.fellowshipnashville.org/globalgiving and click on Peru Worship Trip and choose my name.

Thank you all so much for your concern and love for our family, for your prayers and for your support.

Caleb-isms VIII

2009-04-13T12:00:00.001-05:00

Shortly after Steven met Francis, we invited her to our home for lunch so that Caleb and I could get to know her. When she came in, she and Caleb started talking, and she asked Caleb if he was looking forward to being a big brother...

Caleb: "Yep! My stister is in ma Phiwapines" (the Philippines - HA!)

Francis: "That's right!"

Caleb: "Yep. That's where Goliath is from...oh..no...wait, that's the PhiliSTINES!"

CRAZY KID!!

Family time in Holy Week

2009-04-08T17:22:00.005-05:00

In 2007, we bought a book that has become a favorite family tradition for the Christmas season. It is called "The Advent Book" by Jack and Kathy Stockman. When we bought it, we were added to the Stockman's email newsletter "Celebrations and Traditions" that they send out in correlation to holidays. It gives wonderful ideas for creating Christ-centered family traditions for various holidays. We received one for the Lent season with ideas, also, for Holy Week that has been wonderful.

On Tuesday, the focus was Loving God. Below is the anagram Caleb did (mostly on his own) with Steven. He came up with "Love" and "Trust" all by himself. Steven tried to explain that "Trust" wouldn't work because the word starts with 'T' not 'R', but Caleb was so excited about "Trust" that he told Steven, "It's okay, Daddy, because there is an "R" in "Trust"!"Steven helped out with "Obey" and they both came up with "David". Then they prayed and asked God to help us love Him, trust Him and obey Him and have a heart for Him like King David.

Caleb had the best time coloring the word "Lord" and writing all the words "All by myself"!

This was the most precious time we've had during Holy Week so far. I can't wait until Sunday morning!

Caleb-isms VII

2009-04-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

Another example of how much my Savior loves me...

This morning, after sleeping poorly in a separate bed from my sweet husband because he was THAT sick, and being absolutely exhausted not only by the break-neck pace of the past few days and weeks but also by the thought of the content and length of the day ahead of me, this is how my Lord used my baby to wake me up:

Caleb: "It is weeeelll, it is weeeelll, wif my sooouuul...it is weeeel, it is weeeel, wif my sooouuul!"

And mine, as well. Thanks for the reminder, Father. Amen.

It's been awhile...

2009-04-03T12:20:00.008-05:00

So, a dear friend informed me last night that I have gone far too long between blog posts and promptly instructed me to post something immediately. It's nice to have friendships close enough that we can speak the truth in love!

What we've been preparing for over the past month is our upcoming fundraiser. It is the most unique fundraiser that I've ever come across and we are so very excited about it. For today I'll just give you an overview of our project in the form of the letter we - and our team - have sent out to raise awareness of what we're doing. Stay tuned to find out more...

________________________________________________________________

I am writing to you to enlist your support in an unusual opportunity to serve. More about that at the end. For now there are a few people I want to tell you about.

The Widow

Francis Lee is a precious woman who’s been through a lot in the last five years. After marrying Harold Lee, and having two children Michelle and Amanda, the family began building a home in Nolensville, TN. Harold and Francis did not want to take on a large 30 year mortgage, so instead they began building a home on their 11 acres piece by piece as they were able to save cash to buy materials. They would go to Home Depot, fill up their Yugo, go back to their property and build the house themselves, from footers to trusses!

On their 24th wedding anniversary, Harold began having pain and heaviness in his chest and was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was 66 years old. With Chemo and radiation, they battled it into remission only for it to return within the year. After one month in the hospital he was released to hospice on January 7th, 2005 and passed away January 9th.

In July of that year, Francis went in for a routine colonoscopy and was diagnosed with colon cancer. Following surgery, chemo, radiation, blood clots in her lungs and double pneumonia, she was forced to retire after 31 years of teaching in the inner city.
Since the loss of her husband and the decline of her own health, Francis has been unable to continue work on her home, and is overwhelmed at the outpouring of support and help that our team is offering.

The Adoptive Family

Steven, Mandy and Caleb Reutter live in Franklin, TN where they attend Fellowship Bible Church. Steven and Mandy have known since before Caleb was conceived that they felt God’s call on their life to adopt, but did not know when that would happen or what it would look like. In the summer after Caleb turned 2, God’s adoption plan for their family began to take a shape they could see. Since Steven’s family on his mother’s side is Filipino, the Philippines seemed a natural choice to begin research of international adoption. Their paperwork was submitted to the Philippines in July of 2008 and they were approved by the country’s adoption board on August 21, 2008. They are now in the middle of the 12 - 18 month estimated wait time to receive a referral. They are expecting to be referred a little girl between the ages of 6 and 24 months. The stories of the ways that God has both lead and blessed this journey are many. If you would like to know more about the Reutters’ adoption story, please visit the weblog they are keeping at www.ephesians15journey.blogspot.com.

How do you fit in?
We’re not all called to adopt, but each of us is called to care for widows and orphans  (James 1:27). First, please pray for the Reutter family in their adoption journey. Second, please pray for Francis as she continues to adjust to life as a widow and that her health would continue to improve. Third, the adoption process, while more than worth it, is incredibly expensive. The Reutters are trying to raise a portion of the money necessary to bring their little girl home. They are trying to raise $20,000.

Both Hands - www.bothhandsfoundation.org
To do that, we are having a workday at Francis’s home. I am part of a team of folks who have come alongside the Reutters to help them on this journey they believe God has called them to. The team will spend the entire day Saturday April 25th installing all kinds of trim-work throughout the house, and kitchen countertops, as well as cleaning, decluttering and organizing inside and out to let Francis know that she is loved and not forgotten. Think of it like a charity golf outing; but instead of us golfing to raise money, we are going to support a widow in need.

With your tax-deductible sponsorship of my work that day, you will accomplish three things: 1) You will help serve the needs of a widow who deeply needs it 2) you will be helping an orphan find a forever home and 3) you get a tax break in the process. How often do you get to feel that good about yourself in a single act of kindness?!?

How to Help
1.) Pray for Francis, Mandy, Steven, Caleb and the precious little girl waiting in the Philippines.
2.) Consider sponsoring our work.

Caleb-isms VI

2009-02-25T20:51:00.002-06:00

Well, I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything from the mouth of my crazy son, but tonight, he said something so sweet and so cute that I couldn't resist:

At bedtime, Steven was tucking him in and he said,

Caleb: Daddy, what's this ring? (Steven's wedding ring) Where's your other ring, the Auburn one?
Steven: I take the Auburn ring off every night, but I never take this (his wedding) ring off. This ring tells everybody that I love your Mommy and I never take it off because I always love your Mommy.
Caleb: (with an awed look on his face) I want a ring to tell everybody that I love my Mommy.

He never stops surprising me and making me feel LOVED!

Miracles

2009-01-15T16:25:00.007-06:00

I have to say that before I went to Africa, I believed in miracles.

I really did. I believed that God gave Gideon a sign. I believed that He supernatually killed 185,000 Assyrian soldiers before they could assault Jerusalem. I believed that Jesus healed a blind man, and a crippled man and even raised Lazarus from the dead.

I believed that God raised His Son, Jesus, from the dead after Jesus voluntarily sacrificed His life as an atonement for my sins.

I really did and do believe all of those things.

I also believe that God caused me to miraculously become pregnant with our son when all the doctors said "No, chance, babe. You'll need IVF"

What I had never really given a lot of thought to was whether or not I really believed that the God of the universe still works miracles - personal small, everyday miracles - today.

And lets be real. The miracles I listed above are personal miracles. Yes they had huge impact and significance on a nation or even on mankind, or on my life as I knew it, but they were personal.

God gave Gideon the specific sign he asked for. Twice.

God defeated 185,000 Assyrians after King Hezekiah went into the temple, spread out his problem before the Lord and sought His help and counsel.

I think it is safe to say that to the blind man, the crippled man and Lazarus, their respective healings were very personal.

And I think that being restored to communion with the Father was a personal miracle for us all.

So what's the point, Mandy? Why all this talk about personal miracles?

Because, in Africa, He performed one for me.

When we landed in Lietnhom, Sudan, I stepped off the small, twin engine aircraft into a world I arrogantly thought I had imagined, but had not begun to understand.

The sights, smells, heat, dry air, crush of beautiful people - adults and children - who want to be exactly where you are, and the overwhelming desire to love, hug, and otherwise intimately know each and every one of them was, to say the least, overwhelming.

When all our luggage was off the plane, we began to walk. I wanted to see everything, as did everyone with us. To visit places they had seen before, that I wanted to see for the first time. To assess the damage that had been done in the attacks launched against this precious people seven months before. To visit those they knew, that I would come to know.

We stopped at the area where the team had stayed last year, then the River, then walked through the market, all on the way to the Alarm compound where we stayed.

About three-quarters into the walk, I started to feel faint, and strange and realized that I had not been drinking enough water and had not applied sunscreen before the walk. I was getting burnt and dehydrated.

In Nashville, this would not be a big deal. I would come inside my nice air conditioned, cool house and have a nice tall glass of ice water and lay on my couch until I felt better. Not so in Sudan.

For the next two days, I was very sick. I couldn't eat or rest. I questioned my decision to come to Africa - as if it was my decision in the first place - HA - I cried, missing my family, and I prayed asking God why I was even there if I was just going to be sick the whole time...pity party anyone?

I wrote a prayer in my journal asking God why I was there if only to be sick and begged Him to heal me. To "make me whole" and "fill me with Your peace and calm and make my body strong."

Right after I wrote those words, I "suddenly" had the idea to get my MP3 player out of my bag to listen to it. Interesting considering the battery was completely dead. On the plane flying into Lietnhom, it had died and cut itself off. NO CHANCE it would turn on...except it did.

I sat in the middle of my bed, staring at a battery indicator that read 3/4 full still holding my prayer notebook.

I should also tell you that there is NOTHING more soothing to me than music when I feel sick. It helps me rest. It soothes my soul. The Lord knows this because this is how He created me. He knows that the best way to give me "peace and calm" is through music.

I laid back on the bed and pressed play. These are the first words I heard:

"The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But you are mindful when a sparrow falls.
You're mindful of the anxious thoughts that find me, surround me and bind me."

From a song entitled "Jesus, King of Angels" by Fernando Ortega - my NUMBER ONE choice for calming music.

For the next hour and a half I laid on my bed and listened to Fernando on my "dead" MP3 player. I even slept, which in Sudan in the middle of the day is quite a feat...it's very hot, and therefore not comfortable napping conditions.

When the rest of the team returned from a walk they had taken, I woke up and went to join them to sit outside. I was already beginning to feel better and was even able to eat dinner that night.

I didn't have a moment's feeling of illness for the rest our stay in Sudan.

A couple of days later, on a whim, I decided to try the MP3 player again, just because I wanted to...it was dead as a doornail and did not come on again until I had charged it back home.

Falling Whistles

2009-01-15T16:12:00.007-06:00

Today I am brokenhearted by a story I read.

I know this blog is supposted to be about the process that our family is walking through in our adoption story, but today, it's going to be about more than that.

Today, it's going to be about the story of precious babies on the other side of the world who have been ripped from their homes - if you can call them homes - and their families. Babies who have been abused, neglected, used and then forced to kill or be killed.

Today it's going to be about the story of the helpless children in the DR Congo, Africa.

The link at the end of this post tells the story of some of the children of the Congo. They have been abducted and forced fight in a war they did not start.

But more specifically, this story is about the youngest of these. The ones, too small to hold a weapon, and so, given a whistle to scare off the enemy, are placed on the front line to be a human barricade.

Read it. Then bring these precious ones before the Father.

http://fallingwhistles.com/SOS-82644-FallingWhistles.pdf

2009-01-13T23:35:00.004-06:00

The Lord is my Helper and my Redeemer
In a time of pain, He is my Strength
And in illness, my Healer
When I am hurt and alone, I am not
Because He never lets go of my hand
He is with me every moment of all the days He gives me
I am never alone
Though I may feel fear, He is my Peace
For His protection is perfect and everlasting.

A Christmas Hug

2008-12-25T11:57:00.009-06:00

I know it's been quite awhile since I've updated this blog. Lots has been going on, though not with the adoption, and I honestly haven't had the time.

Today I'm making the time because earlier this week, God gave me a Christmas hug.

As a result of my recent trip to Africa, I have had some follow up doctor visits. On the way to my most recent one on this Monday past, I was listening to my iPod. My sister had been in town the previous day and had tuned it to play the Third Day "Christmas Offerings" CD that I had never listened to from beginning to end. (It's part of a "Christmas Playlist" and I am a playlist fan!) So, as I was driving, the CD playing, I was enjoying the familiar carols that I thought were the whole of the CD. Then a song came on that I had never heard before. I thought, "Huh. That's not a carol." I was curious because I really like Third Day and I'd never even heard this music on the radio.

Then the words started. Let me assure you that I nearly had to pull over because of the tears that started to flow (a more common occurrance since coming home from Africa, I've noticed).

I have been telling everyone who asks that we expect a referral for our daughter anytime after next July (because the timeframe we've been given is 11-15 months from our approval date of August 21, 2008) and that my prayer is that we will have her home before next Christmas.

Please listen to the song below and if you need to cry a little, well, you're in good company.

http://www.rhapsody.com/goto?rcid=tra.11944638&variant=play

and below are the lyrics

Lyrics

Caleb-isms V

2008-10-26T22:09:00.007-05:00

This is my child. He is crazy, kind, thoughtful, sweet, and knows how to work me like nobody's business...

Tonight, when Steven and I thought he was in bed asleep, this is where we found him:

Fast asleep... face down...

at the top of the stairs.

Notice, he didn't forget to bring his lion.

He never fails to surprise us.

When Steven and I had gotten our laughter under control, I moved him to his bed. He never even blinked and will probably be surprised to find himself there in the morning.

Crazy kid.

Caleb-isms IV

2008-09-22T19:45:00.003-05:00

While stalling before his bath tonight, Caleb said he needed to go to the bathroom. Steven was standing in the bathroom with him when he said,

"Daddy, could you close the door? I need some practicey."

I mean, really. What more comic relief could we need with him around?

Isaiah beginnings

2008-09-09T22:41:00.004-05:00

Last week was the first meeting of the Precept Upon Precept class I participate in at my church. We met to pick up our books and will be meeting this week with our first week of homework done. We are studying...Isaiah! I've been looking forward to this study for almost a year, and I have to say that it is already as wonderful as I knew it would be.

In the first chapter of Isaiah, the Lord is making a "case" against the nation of Israel for the sin and iniquity that have plagued the hearts and minds of most every man, woman and child. I have studied the prophets before so I have seen this "case-making" before. What is new, and already so striking to me is the beauty of the language the Lord has used.

1:5b, 6

The whole head is sick

And the whole heart is faint

From the sole of the foot even to the head

There is nothing sound in it,

Only bruises, welts, and raw wounds,

Not pressed out or bandaged

Nor softened with oil.

That is the result of sin. Their sin and ours. It is true that those of us who claim Jesus as the Lord and Savior of our lives can claim (1:18b) "Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool." But just because we claim Jesus as the Lord of our lives does not mean we are incapable of sin. It means we are not slaves to it. We can still make poor choices that are sinful. We can still sin.

I found this description to be so vivid. This is how our God sees our hearts. This is what they look like to him when we choose to walk in sin. We are a mess of bruises, welts and raw wounds with no band-aids or Neosporin. But we don't have to walk in sin. We can turn around and lay hold of the bandage of Jesus and He will be salve for our wounds.

Caleb-isms III

2008-09-09T22:38:00.002-05:00

From the backseat of our car driving home from Tai-kwon-do class last week:

Caleb: Mommy?

Me: Yeah, baby?

Caleb: I want my sister to come home. I am tired of waiting. I'm done, now.

Aren't we all. Please pray for patience for the baby of my womb and a speedy referral and placement for the baby of my heart.

My 30th B'day Surprise

2008-09-03T12:00:00.001-05:00

The above slide show contains my favorite pictures of the weekend Steven and I just spent in San Francisco.

Let me start from the beginning...I turned 30 last month. When Steven turned 30 last year, I surprised him by taking him on a cruise which he had never done before. So, when my turn came to turn the big three-oh, he wanted to surprise me, too.

We have been talking about going to San Francisco for about 10 years now. Steven grew up there and wanted show me around his old stomping ground. (Just in case anyone reading this doesn't know my husband, he would never, for all the money in the world, use the phrase "old stomping ground"...that would be ME.)

He managed to keep the secret all the way to the gate to board our flight before he "showed" me where we were headed...you could've knocked me over with feather!

Our flight was great and when we got there, he had reserved us a convertible. It took about an hour to get it, but it was SO worth it!!! As we were leaving the airport, we asked the lady that had helped us with our car to recommend a restaurant and she sent us to a Filipino restaurant very near the airport. This was my first time to eat any of the food we ordered and it was GOOD!

That afternoon, we walked around Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39. It had been a long day so we went back to the hotel for a good night's sleep...the next day was going to be FULL!

On Friday morning we woke up and went across the street from our hotel for breakfast and it was delicious...one of those local, tables on the street affairs and we were ready for a great day. We got the car and drove up to Muir Woods and Sausalito that day.

I don't know what to say other than it was one of the most beautiful, peaceful and awe-inspiring places I have ever been. No words or pictures could ever do it justice. It is a MUST visit place for anyone going to the Bay Area, for sure. After exploring the Woods, we went into Sausalito for lunch at a restaurant called The Spinnaker. It is on the Bay with all-window-walls for the best views. This is where I ate the best sandwich I've ever eaten. It was a fresh oven roasted turkey with dill havarti cheese - the cheese alone would make you smack your mama - tomatoes, and fresh avacados on sour dough marble rye toast. I would consider moving to California just to be in close proximity with this sandwich...or maybe I'll just learn to make it...yeah, that'd probably be easier.

After lunch we drove back into the city because we had tickets for the 3:00 ferry to Alcatraz. On the way back we began to see the fog roll in under the Golden Gate. It was truly a sight to see as it started out so small that it looked like smoke from a fire and grew to the point that it obscured view of the city from the bridge and the bridge from the city. As we drove across the bridge the fog was coming across it so that it was under the bridge and above it and trying to come across it as well. The cables were breaking the fog as is came across making it look like whispy fingers curling through and across trying to reach the other side. It was quite cool...to watch and to feel...the temp dropped about 10 degrees from the edge of the bridge to the center.

When we got into the city, we had a little time to kill, so we drove over to Lombard street and drove down "The Crooked-est Street in the World". It was fun and beautiful with gorgeous views of the city and the Bay covered in a "floating cloud".

After driving in the city a bit, it was time to make our way over to the piers to catch our ferry. One of the strangest parts of this trip was how remarkably different the weather was from one spot to the next with as little difference as one mile between them. Our trip to Alcatraz was no different. The tour told us that the distance from the island to the mainland is about a mile and a quarter. By the time we had reached the half-way-mark, we could no longer see the city clearly and when we had reached the island, the city was completely obscured by the fog.

The tour of the prison was interesting and informative. One thing we learned that was more than a little surprising was that while the prison was operational, there were about 260 civilians living on the island, including the families of some of the guards...yes that includes their CHILDREN!!! That's all I have to say about that.

The tour was sad, in a way. I know that the men housed there were "hardened criminals", but the sizes of their cells, the utter isolation, it was, simply put, sad.

That night we went to Chinatown and walked around and bought a kite and had dinner.

The next day we drove down Hwy 1 along the coast to Santa Cruz. That was the most beautiful drive I've ever taken and I don't think that any words I could come up with could do it justice. The "poem" I posted yesterday was inspired by what I saw.

In Santa Cruz, we went to the board walk, road a roller coaster, and ate lunch on the pier before heading up to San Jose to begin our tour of Steven's childhood. It was so much fun to see the places he grew up and watch him remember "riding his bike down that street" or his "best friend living in that house". He showed me where his family lived in San Jose and later in Alameda, then took me to the apartment complex that his grandparents maintained. Across the street from the apartments is a beach on the Bay. His grandfather used to take him there and they would make kites together out of bamboo, and rice paper using (somehow) rice for the glue. We went to that beach and he taught me how to fly the kite we had bought the night before in Chinatown. It was a special experience.

When we were finished flying our kite we headed back into town to find some dinner. We wound up in Little Italy at a delicious restaurant. We ate pasta.

Our flight on Sunday morning was at 9-something, so we ended our vacation very early in the morning, but, despite the fact that I am NOT a morning person, I can honestly say that after the relaxing, refreshing, and wonderfully reconnective time we'd had together, I didn't mind.

Thank you, my precious husband, for loving me so well. You are the perfect partner that God designed just for me. I love you.

God's Amazing Creativity

2008-09-02T19:30:00.002-05:00

As we drove down Hwy 1 on the Pacific coast last Saturday, I was inspired by the sensory experience of the drive. These are the words the Holy Spirit laid on my heart.

Great God of wonder
I see the majesty of Your creative hand everywhere I look.
From cliffs to sea
From mountains to beaches
Your creativity knows no bounds.

The sea rolls and reaches its white hands up toward the beaches
But You have said it can only come so far.
It rages against the cliff face
Giving voice to its frustration - a soothing fury.

From the heights I can see beyond the reaches of the sea
Diamonds dancing on the waves
Glittering in the sun
Until they are swallowed by the clouds resting on the water.

Breathtaking sites, soothing scents, relentless sounds
The smell of the eucalyptus that stays in your mouth and clears your nose
Mingling with the scent of water - salt and sand.
You have created it all
And every part of creation
Shouts the wonder of Your hand.

Approval!!

2008-09-01T20:30:00.002-05:00

Well, it has happened. We are, frankly, in a state of shock, but it has happened. We have been approved by the Intercountry Adoption Board of the Philippines and are officially on the wait list to receive our referral!!!

We are totally shocked. We were told that approvals have slowed down significantly and that we should expect it to take 3 months with an additional month of "waiting" to find out our approval date. In other words we did not expect to hear of this news until mid-to-late-October.

Our dossier was sent on July 9th, 2008. Our dossier was approved by ICAB on August 21st, 2008. For anyone counting that is 6 weeks and 1 day!!! :)

We can't wait to meet you, Rebekah!!!

NEWS!!!

2008-08-26T17:58:00.003-05:00

I am happy to report that on Saturday we received our appointment letters from United States Citizen and Immigration Service (USCIS) for our fingerprints. This means that we are very close to our approved I-800 which is a requirement of our government to adopt internationally.

Our fingerprint appointments are in the morning on September 3rd. Steven will be travelling on the 2nd, so I would ask you all to pray for his safe and timely return. I CAN NOT miss this appointment.

Thanks and love to you all!

Lukewarm for the Lord?

2008-08-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

I believe it is pretty commonly thought that after a while of being a Believer it is common, even normal, to sort of cool it. That, after a certain amount of time, it is acceptable to not be quite so passionate; to not hold quite so strictly to the letter of the Word of God; to not believe quite so forcefully or in such black and white terms; to allow old habits to creep back because this habit isn’t really hurting anyone…it’s no big deal; to allow new habits to fall out of habit, into infrequency.

The question I’ve been thinking about is this: have I ever heard someone claim to be “lukewarm for the Lord”? I hear people spoken of often by others as “on fire for the Lord”, but, honestly, never praised for their tepid attitude toward their Creator. Is it really okay to “settle down” and “settle in” to our relationship or is it better to strive to keep the flames of our passion alive?

In my study of Revelation I was presented with an answer to these questions. In chapters 2 & 3, John relays a message from Jesus to 7 different churches in Asia. Two of these churches are addressed on their lack of passion for the Lord.

To the first church, He says,
“I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance, and that you cannot tolerate evil men, and you put to the test those who call themselves apostles, and they are not, and you found them to be false; and you have perseverance and have endured for My name’s sake, and have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have left your first love.”

Wow. For most of this passage, this church sounds pretty great. They persevere, they work for the Lord, they do not tolerate evil men and are not taken in by those who are not true Believers…then there’s that troublesome last part…there’s the “but”. The first love Jesus is referring to is their love of God. Jesus says that the first and most important commandment it to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all you soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.” Isn’t it interesting that all the actions spoken to the credit of the above church are belittled by a want of this ONE thing – passionate love of God.

After pointing this out, He calls on the church members to repent, remember from where they have fallen, and do the deeds they did at first.
My favorite description of “the deeds they did at first” is found in Acts 2:42-47. I will let you look this passage up, but I will share with you some of the descriptions that I find inspiring: “They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching”, “Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe”, “All…were together and had all things in common”, “…taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart”.

To the second church, He is even more forceful and says,
“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.”
Ouch! Apparently, lukewarm attitudes make Jesus want to vomit.
The conclusion of his instruction to them is, “Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.”

BE ZEALOUS AND REPENT! Just in case there is anyone reading this that thinks “repent” is a Christian-ese word, here is the definition: to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better. Repentance is not merely regret or a sorrowful feeling of having missed the mark. Repentance is that feeling which calls us to change the behavior for which we are sorry.

So back to the original question: Does God want our passionate devotion all the years of our relationship or is a dwindling, somewhat smoldering fire acceptable? It appears to me that our passion is what He desires, asks for, and requires of us. Is it really to much for all He’s done for us? But how do we maintain passion for, longing of, and devotion to a God we cannot see? Is it even possible to intimately know, the way we know those we love most here on earth, the invisible, unsearchable majesty of the Living God? The answer, in a word is Yes! How? I have found that he has told me more than I can ever comprehend of Him in His Word. There is more truth of His character, attributes, personality, likes, dislikes, favorite things, expected behavior, etc, contained in His Word than I could unpack in a lifetime and I can’t think of a better way to spend it.

My weekend

2008-08-18T12:59:00.004-05:00

Well, Saturday was my 30th birthday. I had the best weekend so I thought I'd share a few snippets:

Friday night:
Caleb and I were getting ready for him to go to bed. He and I have been taking turns starting/closing our bed time and meal time prayers so that he can get more comfortable with praying words, not just songs. I should also tell you that on Thursday, some of our friends had a child with a stomach virus. Anyway, he wanted to start on Friday night, and this is what he said, "God, would you just please help Gabe and heal his tummy so that it won't hurt anymore and he can play and read books, and stuff, and would you please just keep the iwwness (read illness) away from everybody else, from the two boys (he means Gabe and Sam - yes he did already pray for Gabe...cute, huh) and the two girls (Maddy and Hannah) and the other boy (Isaiah) and Uncle Phiwip (read Phillip), and Miss Jessica, and GeGe and Beka, and the other Beka, I mean Josh, Amen.

The funny here is that Josh really is practically a clone of Dan (Beka) just younger. I told the family and they all got a REALLY big kick out of it.

Saturday:
My Birthday :). I woke up to my baby telling me happy birthday and asking if I was going to have friends and cake and balloons at my birthday. He told me that he wanted me to have a Cars birthday cake and balloons.
He and Steven made me brownies - I prefer them to cake - and then went to the store to get cream cheese icing to go on them (yummm!) and came back with 2 balloons - 1 green for Caleb and 1 purple for me...he knows it's my favorite color. About 2 seconds after he handed me my balloon it burst into 2 pieces. Let's just say Caleb burst into MORE than 2 pieces. It was pitiful. I could tell from his reaction and what he was trying to say - it was hard to understand through the tears and gasping for air - that it was not only a balloon but my present from him that had popped. How sad! We told him over and over that he could get me another one and tried to calm him down. It took a little bit.
After he calmed down, he went to help Steven ice the brownies and asked if after the brownies were done if they could go back and get me another one. Steven said yes and thought that was that. After a minute or so of quiet thinking, Caleb said, "You know, Daddy, I think Mommy can have my balloon," and jumped down off the chair to run to my bathroom and give it to me!

Later that day we went shopping and then I had to be at church for choir - we led worship this week. When I told Caleb that we were headed to the church to drop Mommy off he said, "But, NO Mommy! I love you! I'm your monkey! I want to be where you are!"

WOW! I'm having QUITE a nice birthday, so far, right! Well, just wait...

At the church, the choir sang me Happy Birthday, in parts, no less! That was fun. Then Steven came to pick me up and told me we had a little time to kill because we were early for our reservations, so I got to go get lost in Borders for a little bit. Just gets better and better. From Borders, he took me to the new Bosco's in Cool Springs. We've said for a few weeks that we'd like to go on a date there, so I thought "Perfect!" and told Steven what a great choice he had made.
When we got inside, the waitress lead us to our table that was FILLED WITH MY FRIENDS!!! How much fun! I've never had a surprise party thrown for me before and it was so special! We got to eat and talk and laugh and it was so much fun. The food was delicious and I even got to see a new friend that is only in town for the weekend and spend some time with her, too! Couldn't get better! Then after dinner, it did...I got to go and see Mama Mia! with two of my girls who were there and I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at a movie. It was wonderfully ridiculous and I loved it!

Sunday:
Sunday choir sang again, and it was my first day as a teacher in the 3rd grade theme class room at our church. It was a BLAST!! Then last night at dinner, Caleb says, "Mommy, you are a really good teacher to those kids in that rocket ship room!"

The perfect end to the perfect weekend!

2008-08-15T15:54:00.005-05:00

I did this. It was really easy and fun!

Steven had an old cork pin-board that we kept in a closet with things on it because it was too ugly to put out anywhere. So, I decided to turn it into a "ribbon board" so that it would look nice and go with our decor. I got the fabric from JoAnn off the remnant rack and then got buttons and ribbon to match. Inside it is regular old batting. I used a manual staple gun to attach everything to the frame of the cork board. I hope seeing how well it turned out and hearing how easy it was will inspire you to try something fun and new and maybe even crafty in your home.

Prayer, Our heavenly offering

2008-08-12T21:25:00.001-05:00

I am studying Revelation this summer with a friend of mine. We started with Daniel and then came to Revelation and it has been mind-blowing to say the least. Erin and I chose these two books because we are both relatively new Christians, we had never read it, and it seemed an appropriate book to look into given the state of things in our world right now. I have been rather shocked at the straight-forward nature of most of the book so far. That is not to say that the entire book is as clear as glass or anything. No, Revelation certainly has its share of “what-the” visions and confusing time references. That said, if you read carefully and follow the timeline by writing it out, it IS possible. Trust me.

Anyway, we are up to chapter 12. Last night, I was going back and making some notes that I had not had time to make from previous chapters when I came across something that really struck me.

In chapter 8 it says:
“Another angel came and stood at the altar, holding a golden censer, and much incense was given to him, so that he might add it to the prayers of all the saints on the golden altar which was before the throne. And the smoke of the incense with the prayers of the saints went up before God out of the angel’s hand.” Rev. 8:3,4 (emphasis added)

Just in case that didn’t hit you, go back and read it again.

We have just been given, through the writer, John, a glimpse into the heavenly throne room to see that our prayers are IN REALITY an offering to the Lord.

Imagine the days when the Israelites were in the dessert. In the tabernacle was the “golden altar” or the “altar of incense”. It was placed just outside the holy of holies and the smoke of the incense that was burned there was to represent the prayers of the people rising up to heaven. Here we see that when our prayers reach heaven, they are placed on the true golden altar of incense in front of the throne of the Most High.

This is not merely pretty language that we throw around in church. This not Christianese. This is truth. Each and every prayer that we utter, speak, think, moan, sing, dance, whisper, or cry out is placed on the golden altar which is before the throne of God.

In the book I mentioned in my last post, “Crazy Love”, Chan states that we should stop praying blindly. He references Proverbs stating that we “should not rush into God’s presence with words because that is what fools do.” We need to spend time with Him. Get to know Him. Be awed by Him so that our prayers are a pleasing aroma along with the incense on the golden altar before His throne.

The Lord has shown me much concerning worship since I began to study this book. Most of it I am still contemplating in my heart and when I am able to communicate it, I will. But this was a surprise gift last night. I read and studied this chapter last week, and missed this beautiful, profound truth. We can give our time and our talent and our treasure to the kingdom here on earth and glorify God. What a privilege! But when we pray, our offering reaches Him in heaven and is placed on the altar before Him. That is how important prayer, our prayer, is to Him.

Father, blessed are You and Your Son Jesus. You are Holy, Holy, Holy, worthy of all praise, glory and honor. By His blood we have been redeemed out of slavery into service in Your temple, day and night. Soon will be the day when all who have been washed in His blood will no longer hunger, or thirst , nor have the sun beat down on us. Our Shepherd will lead us to springs of the water of life and You will wipe every tear from our eyes. Hosanna!

Back seat driving

2008-08-06T15:30:00.000-05:00

My sweet baby boy has a habit of "back-seat driving". At the ripe old age of three and a half, he thinks he knows how to get to any given destination that we are driving to, and he knows better than I do. He frequently tells me, "No, Mommy, don't turn this way! It's that way" or "on that road" or any number of other directional corrections you could think of. Sometimes it's cute. Most of the time it is annoying.

Today Caleb and I were driving to a play date at what he calls "the bouncy place", JumpZone. As we were driving down the road, he says to me, "Mommy, which way do we go? That way, or that way?" I said, "Don't worry about it, buddy" and he said, with obvious frustration, "But I don't know the way!" so I said, with a smile on my face, "Well then, it's a good thing I do, huh?"

As I continued toward our destination, the Lord whispered in my ear, "This is how you treat Me." I was reminded of all the times I have had similar conversations with my Lord. How many times have I gotten frustrated with my life and circumstances because things aren't going "the way" I think they should go. How often do I tell Him, "No, Lord, not that way, that way. Not that road, this road." Until I finally say to Him, in frustration, "But I don't know the way!" and He says, patiently, lovingly, "But I do." (I am constantly astonished at His ability to use my child to grow me up. It seems counter-intuitive since I'm the adult and he the child that I should be the one growing up, but here I am consistently being stretched and taught by my Lord through my child.)

This is not "new" information. I have known for sometime now that God is sovereign and in complete control of my life. All I have to do is seek His will and I will never be disappointed at the outcome. So, then, why is it that this is a lesson that I constantly need reminding of? Why can't I remember that I NEVER know the way, but that He ALWAYS does?
I am reading a phenomenal book right now called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. (I would recommend it to EVERYONE. It will lead unbelievers to the Lord and believers to a deeper relationship with Him, but I digress.) In this book Francis Chan states that we all have a case of spiritual amnesia. That we all continually forget who He is, and what He has done for us. This is not to say that we truly forget God, but that by being passive about our faith, we have forgotten who He TRULY is. I agree with him. I think this lesson that the Lord taught me today demonstrates that very fact. Even as I read this wonderful book and was confronted with my own amnesia - YESTERDAY, today I was surprised by the fact that I regard His navigation of my life so distrustfully.

Lord, I repent of my willful navigation of my life. Guide me today and every day down the road of your choosing to the destination you have selected for me from before the foundation of the world. Amen.

Pictures, and Letters, and Forms, Oh My! (aka - Our Dossier)

2008-08-02T20:50:00.000-05:00

Some of you out there reading this blog know exactly what I'm about to talk about intimately. You've been through the in depth and (let's just say it) ridiculous volume of paper work, the background checks, and various other forms of insanity. For those of you who haven't here's a glimpse of what is involved in compiling a dossier.

The dossier is the packet of papers that is sent to a foreign country to be you the person...on paper. Since you can't present yourself to the people who will match you up with your future child, they want to know everything about you from where you grew up, to what friends and family think of you to how many bathrooms your house has. So just as I promised when I wrote about our home study, here is what we've been doing for our dossier:

1. Photographs: 3 - 5x7's of our family - 2 poses, please; 4x6 pics of all extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, dogs, hamsters, etc; 1 - 5x7 pic of the outside of our home; 4x6 pics of every room in our house - even the bathrooms!
2. An application for the Intercountry Adoption Board (ICAB) - the governing adoption body in the Philippines - Notarized
3. A Type of Child Acceptable to Family form for ICAB detailing the age, medical conditions, etc of the child we are requesting
4. A personal letter stating that we do intend to adopt and parent this child from the Philippines...probably because all this paperwork, forms filled out and hoops jumped through don't really communicate that message very well, really...
5. An ORIGINAL birth certificate for each applicant - this one was tricky. Neither of us had original copies, so when I went to get them for us, I found that Alabama, Mandy's home state, was no problem what so ever (you could say you're whomever and order their cert as long as you have all the right info...shocking...well, not really). California, however, wanted a sworn affidavit stating that you are who you say you are along with DNA testing and your shoe size...well, really just the affidavit, but their processing times and requirements were crazy. As you all know, however, our God is MUCH bigger than the state of California records department and He showed me a way to submit the paperwork where the processing time was less than a century and He brought the certificate to us in record time. Yay!!
6. One medical statement for each person living in the home - this one was easy because they let us "reuse" the one from our home study.
7. One physician letter for each applicant - this is just in case the thorough medical statement/physical report aren't clear enough.
8. One psychological evaluation per family. This one had me stumped, a little. The instructions to the psychiatrist (yes, it HAD to be an MD) said that we were only to have a single 1-hour interview, then in the next several paragraphs went on to detail the information they wanted included in the letter. The amount and detail of the information requested would easily have taken several weeks to fully discuss, but that is not the point either. They really want a piece of paper stating that we are mentally healthy, balanced and ready to parent an internationally adopted child. How can anyone know this in only one hour? But I digress...we "passed". Actually, I think we kind of bored the guy.
9. One original marriage license/certificate.
10. One police letter per family. This is a letter from the chief of police of our town stating that we have no "record" in our hometown. It is both interesting and baffling to me that we must have fingerprints for BOTH the state of Tennessee Bureau of Investigation, the Federal Bureau of Investigation AND then still need a letter to this effect in our hometown. Isn't it scary that they don't share information and all these checks have to be run separately? Well, it bothered me.
11. One Priest, Minister or Rabbi recommendation letter per family. Yep, that's how it's worded in the OFFICIAL instructions.
12. One employer recommendation letter for each applicant. Steven's was easy, but just try to get a 3 year old to write you a letter of recommendation. I'm telling you it was NOT easy!
13. One friend letter of recommendation per family. This was a real relief as we only have one friend. :)
14. Optional letters. Thanks to all who gave us letters for our home study. They were promptly reused.
15. Guardian letter. "Letter should be written by the person or couple (couple preferred) named as guardian(s) of the child/ren in the event of the death or incapacity of the adoptive parents stating that the guardian(s) accept this responsibility. Guardians should not be the parents of the applicants; preferably, they should be the sibling of one of the applicants. Friends can be named if the applicants have no siblings." Wow. I mean, I get this and agree with it, it's just weird to plan for the care of a child we do not yet have in the event that we die. Luckily, this was already covered since we have Caleb and took care of it for him LONG ago.
16. One copy of pages 1-2 of your most recent 1040 US Income Tax returns. Ick.

So that's it. We did it all in about 5 weeks and had it turned in already before our home study was completed. Once the home study was done and turned in, our agency sent it all over to the Philippines on July 9th. So, we are officially waiting to hear about our approval. Keep praying!

Frustration, and a reminder

2008-07-03T21:00:00.002-05:00

****Update 7/12/08**** I re-sent our packet to USCIS on this past Tuesday and we got a reciept for our check and a letter detailing the process from the Memphis office TODAY!!! YEA!! They've taken our money and won't send the forms back!! HOORAY!! :)

Well, today we had a frustrating thing happen...our I-800A application was kicked-back to us from Memphis. Here I was SO excited about the fact that we were all done and then, this! I have to admit that I was VERY disappointed. I'd like to say that I immediately remembered that this whole process is in my God's sovereign hands...I didn't. I was sulky and frustrated for awhile and I even had one of those "Just my luck...that's the kind of day I'm having" kind of pouts...Then He nudged. I love it when He does that!

I was reminded of all the things I've been saying not only to myself, but to many other folks in my life lately. Even as recently as two days ago. Things like "I can't believe how calm I've been" and "It's not like me to not focus on the time frame, but I'm really not". These things are true, but not because of me or my personality or my ability to calm myself. These things are true because of my God. He has given my complete peace in my heart about the timing of everything to do with our adoption. He knows who our daughter is. He knows where she is, when she'll be or was born and He knows the exact schedule that our paperwork has to follow in order for her to be referred to and placed with us. He knows.

I forgot that for a bit this afternoon. Until He nudged. He nudged and said "Do you believe me, or not?. Do you know that I know her, or not? My timing is always perfect and this, even this, is part of My timing."

Lord, help me to remember that each day of this journey. Amen.

Caleb-isms II

2008-07-03T20:57:00.001-05:00

While staying at my mother's last weekend, Caleb was talking to my mom at bed time. She was tucking him in and had read him a bible story about the tower of Babel. Here's how it went down...

Mom was "snuggling" with Caleb, a practice that is part of our bedtime routine no matter who tucks him in. They were laying there quietly when,

Caleb: I wouldn't want to be that baby in the basket.
Mimi: Umm, Moses?
Caleb: Yeah, that baby Moses in the basket. I wouldn't want to be that baby Moses in the basket.
Mimi: Why not, baby?
Caleb: Because I would miss my Mommy. I love her so much.

What a tender heart.

Caleb-isms

2008-07-01T21:56:00.003-05:00

From time to time, I will be posting funny or sweet things that my first baby says. This first one will be a conversation that he and I had about his "baby sister in my Phiwipines"...

Me: Caleb, come here. Let's talk about your sister.
Caleb: my sister?
Me: yes, your new baby sister.
Caleb: (excited) Yeah! Okay! (climbs up in my lap and lays down in my arms...AWWW)
Me: What do you think her name will be?
Caleb: I don't know, Mommy, I haven't named her yet.
Me: What do you think she'll be like?
Caleb: be like?
Me: Yeah, like how will she act? Will she be fun?
Caleb: Yes! She will laugh a lot and play.
Me: Will you teach her things?
Caleb: Yep
Me: What will you teach her?
Caleb: I will teach her to walk and to talk and to play
Me: What do you think she will look like?
Caleb: She will look a "fwower" (aka flower) like you. (AWWW!!!)

There you have it. Our little girl will laugh, play, learn to walk and talk from Caleb and look like a flower...I just love his mind!

Homestudy complete...officially!

2008-06-23T21:13:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it! I REALLY can't believe it!! We got a call today from our local social worker and she FINALLY got the last background check clearance from Alabama...what that means is...
1. Our homestudy is COMPLETE!!!! YAY!!! Hooray and AMEN!
2. Today I mailed our I800-A application to our local social worker to be combined with our home study and home study approval letter from our placement agency and mailed to USCIS (United States Citizens and Immigration Services). This application is asking to government to allow us to bring a child in from another country and make her an instant citizen by declaring her an immediate relative of ours.
3. Once our placement agency has a copy of our home study they can add it to our dossier and submit the complete dossier to the Philippines and WE ARE OFFICIALLY WAITING!!!!

See what I mean, hard to believe! We are so excited and overjoyed that I just don't think words could do justice to the feelings. Thanks to everyone who's been praying so far. Keep it up and please pray diligently for Rebekah...before too long we'll know what she looks like, where she is and when she can come home :)!

But...

2008-06-13T20:18:00.000-05:00

This is a link to a blog I read often. Specifically to a story shared on a blog I read often. It is beautiful and I hope you will each post a comment here with your "but". Here is mine.

My child is on the other side of the world, but I wholly rely on the Lord.

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/06/293-not-saying-but-enough.html

A Prayer for Hanna

2008-06-10T14:31:00.008-05:00

Father God, Redeemer, Comforter, Lover of my soul, only You have pursued me all my life. Only You have made a way for me to be forever near You. How could I not praise Your Name?

How grateful I am that You speak to me! To know Your will is my life's ambition and my one true calling. This prayer is for You alone.

You have called me to Your Word and taught me a love of Your people. Who else could do such a thing?

Your beautiful heart for adoption has pierced my soul. How cherished am I to be adopted as Your own child! What a privilege You have given me to show another child how Your heart is inclined toward us; that You have made a way for her into an earthly family and far better still, Your eternal family.

How wondrous and generous You are. No one in Heaven above or on Earth below can match Your radiant lovingkindness and compassion for me.

Even now You see the mother of my daughter and protect them both speaking of life and not death in her heart. Lord Jesus, save her precious heart and mend the broken pieces left by the absence of my child. In your precious, matchless name I pray, Amen.

Waiting

2008-05-27T21:16:00.003-05:00

We've gotten our first taste of the waiting that is to come. It has been 2 weeks since our homestudy process was completed, but the report is still not done. This is because of some last minute additional requirements because of the new Hague standards, but I digress.

It doesn't matter why we're waiting, the fact is we are. This is the first moment in the process when we have nothing more to do but wait. This is not how I normally function. I am normally a "what's to be done, let's do it" type of person, so typically waiting is VERY hard for me, however...

Grace, Grace, God's grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within...

For the first time in my life, I am not fretful, stressed or tying myself in knots over my lack of ability to speed the process. Now, I won't lie to you and say that the past 2 weeks haven't felt like 2 months because they have. I also am very aware that we've only been waiting 2 weeks and our "real" waiting hasn't even begun yet. That will come after the Philippines has all our paperwork and has "logged us in" so we'll be waiting for a referral. I think, though, that the "sloooow"-moving-time-feeling is more due to the slow down of activity surrounding the process than any anxiety or tension. For several weeks we were compiling information, filling out forms, taking classes, and writing auto-biographies all the live-long day, so now if feels as if there is nothing to do. It's kind of...weird.

At any rate, we hope to get our last bit of info from the friendly folks in the state of Alabama, and have our homestudy report in hand very soon. Once we have that we'll be sending in our dossier and we'll be off to the races. Now our dossier...that's a-whole-nother post...

Home Study...here we go

2008-05-01T15:52:00.009-05:00

WOW!! I mean, I knew that a home study was intense, but I don't think I understood the use of the word intense for this process until I was actively participating in completing it. For those who have not completed a home study (and those who have and want to pat yourself on the back for all your hard work) here is a list of what we've been doing since I last posted on 4/16:

1. Application

2. Financial form - basically every piece of financial information you could imagine and then several that you have never thought about much less know where to find :)

3. Physician form - get a physical and test for things you'd never imagined you'd have to be tested for

4. Letter from Pediatrician regarding children in the home - stating that they are healthy, normal and not likely to fall apart physically any time soon

5. Reference Letters from:

1. Employer
2. Parents of each parent-to-be
3. Someone in leadership at church (assuming you're involved in church which we are)
4. Three separate friends who know you well enough to speak intelligently on your character and you parenting style/skills

7. Child abuse disclaimer form - a form that states you've never been convicted of child abuse...seriously

8. Fingerprints for each adult in the home - to run background checks through the TBI

9. Local background check for each adult in the home...why don't the local officials and TBI have the same background checking data...hmmmm...

10. Copy of income tax return

11. Copy of W-2

12. Copy of marriage certificate

13. Copy of birth certificate for each person in the family

14. Self study - a 6 to 10 page autobiography detailing how you grew up, were raised, disciplined, schooled, made fun of on the play ground and how that has effected your adult relationships....oh sorry, that was just me ;)

15. Questions titled "Thoughts about adoption" - these were easy, just questions like "How will you talk to your child about her adoption story?" and "What do you think could make your placement succeed or fail?" You know just simple questions like that...

16. Certificates of Completion for 10 hours worth of Adoptive Parent Education classes

17. Completed US Citizenship and Immigration Services form titled "Form I800A, Application for Determination of Suitability to Adopt a Child from a (Hague) Convention Country" - This simple and easy to use form is only 11 pages long, so really, no biggie

Whew! Now that we are in the home stretch and trying to also gather all our dossier materials (more on that in another post!) I would ask each of you who reads this blog to begin praying for our little girl and her birth family. We won't know what circumstances have surrounded her in the Philippines until we get her packet, and maybe not even then, so I just ask you to pray. Pray for her safety (both real and perceived), her health, her comfort, that her birth mother is safe and healthy, and that God would pierce her heart (the mother's) and reveal Himself to her as the God who Sees, Heals, Protects, Fights for, and Provides.

My story

2008-05-01T13:34:00.004-05:00

Shortly before we found out we were going to have Caleb, the Lord began pursuing me so persistently that even now I am overwhelmed with the determination He has to redeem each of us. Here are just a few of the things He worked out on my behalf:

I had been working for a small engineering firm as the bookkeeper for about 2 years and the job I held really did not need to be a full time job. One day, probably 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, my boss offered me the opportunity to reduce my hours to part time, if I wanted to. What an amazining providential blessing it was to be able to nap in the afternoon during my 1st trimester!

In January '05, we officially joined Fellowship and a small group there. Caleb was due in April, so when we met our small group (which we are still in 3 years later) I was 6 months pregnant. After knowing us only 2 months, they threw us a surprise baby shower. This was the beginning of my finally feeling like Franklin, TN is my home. We had lived in Franklin for 4 and a half years, and I still had no close friends, but the women in this group are still my friends today.

Shortly after Caleb was born, I was introduced to two women very briefly who would later become two of my best friends, Kim and Missy. Then in the summer, I was walking past a registration table for women's bible studies at our church and felt pulled toward one particular study. At the time I didn't know why. I mean the study was on Samuel II and the life of King David, and I was never very interested in the "Old Testament". I signed up anyway, and was actually very excited because it was a day time women's study and I was finally able to do that since I was, for the first time, a stay at home mom.

When I went to the study for the first time on a Thursday in September, I was nervous because I didn't know anyone...or I thought I didn't. At the end of the class, Kim walked right up to me and reintroduced herself and gave me her phone number and encouraged me not to give up when I saw how much homework was associated with this series of class (it is a Precept Upon Precept class). The next Tuesday, I was scheduled to work in the nursery at church to care for the children of the women in the Tuesday women's study and when I walked in to the room I was assigned to, there was Kim again. The Lord just knew that I needed a friend like her and she is still one of my "nearest and dearest" as my mom used to say.

After all this, I still didn't realize that I had never claimed my faith for my own and CONFESSED with my own mouth my desperate need for my Savior. Then I began studying Samuel II and the life of King David. David's desperate need for the Lord, and his constant willingness to repent of his sins so spoke to my heart and exposed the rottenness in my life. While we studied Samuel II in Precept, the church was studying John on Sundays. Between those two books it became so crystal clear to me that my life showed no evidence of salvation. My tree had no fruit. So one Sunday morning - I don't remember which one, but I do remember who was teaching, the "order" of worship and where I was sitting - I was so overcome with my need for my Savior that I gave my life to Him on the spot and was immediately overcome with an urgency to be baptised. This really surprised me because I had thought before that being baptised as an adult, in front of the entire church, with children being baptised before you and then right after, spot-lighting your "adultness" would be...well...embarrassing. Because of this perception, it was really a stretch of my new faith to reach out and make the committment and sign up.

My husband baptised me in February of 2006. I am still in Precept upon Precept bible studies with a study leader who has become like a second mother to me. And, now, with infertility in our story again, I am so grateful for the God who not only closes, but also opens wombs and who has created adoption as a way to both redeem my life and grow our family.

Caleb's story

2008-05-01T12:31:00.003-05:00

I have mentioned here before my sweet son Caleb. Caleb turned 3 about 2 weeks ago and his birthday combined with the frantic gathering of information associated with completing a home study and dossier has caused me to reflect on all the frantic scurrying Steven and I did trying to have Caleb in the first place.

You see, it took Steven and I about 2 and a half years of trying, failing, fertility treatments and doctors before Caleb came to be. The funny part of that is that all of our scurrying and doctor's intervention had nothing at all to do with us finally becoming pregnant. Here's what happened:

When we had been married a little over a year, we decided it was time for us to start our family. (Notice I said WE decided...this had nothing at all to do with the Lord's leading which isn't all surprising since I didn't know the Lord much less what it would feel like to be lead by Him.) I stopped taking my birth control, and away we go. After about 4 months, I went to my annual gyn appointment and told her that we were trying, and when she found out it had been 4 months and my body hadn't yet regulated from being off the birth control, she ran some tests and discovered that I have PCOS which is fancy for I don't ovulate regularly. She prescribed clomid, and, again, away we go. We used the clomid for about a year with no result. At this point my doctor told us that, since she is not a specialist, we were past her ability to help us. She refered us to a fertility clinic. Now, I just want to stop right here and say that from the first mention of the words "fertility clinic" I knew deep in my heart that I would not have invitro fertilization (IVF). Not because it is inherantly evil, or anything, I just knew it wasn't the path I was going to walk down.

When we went to the fertility clinic they explained the process. We would first have 3 rounds of artificial insemination (AI) and if that didn't work, we would move on to IVF (or not). Each round of AI would take one month and have to be timed perfectly. We did all three rounds by July of '04.

About the time we were completeing our last AI, we went to visit my dad and his wife in Alabama. We went to church with them on Sunday morning and we were BLOWN AWAY. Steven and I had been attending the same church together since before we were married, but we had never heard teaching like this, or been to a church that used contemporary worship music. We decided when we left to drive home that afternoon that we needed to find a church like that at home because we'd been talking for awhile about how something just seemed to be missing from our old church...I now know it was real teaching from the Word of God combined with pastors that challenge us to stretch ourselves and give our lives away for Christ.

The following week, we went in to the clinic for a pregnancy test which turned out to be negative. Since this was the 3rd time, they explained to us that our next step would be either another AI, but this time with the injectable medication that is used for IVF and could easily cause high order multiples (you know, triplets, quadruplets, or further crazy numbers that would break my small frame in half), or we could skip straight to IVF. I was devastated. I knew in my heart that IVF wasn't for me, but neither was triplets, etc. Steven wasn't as convinced as I was, so we talked about it...a lot. I felt called to adopt, but I didn't know if the time was now or not and Steven felt pretty sure that it wasn't. He was still holding on tightly to the dream of a biological child in addition to an adopted child. To tell the truth so was I.

So that Sunday we went to church at Fellowship Bible Church for the first time, where we now attend. We were again blown away. At the end of the service, there was an announcement that the "learn more about this church" class called Discovery One that meets monthly was that evening. Yep, you guessed it, we came back! We couldn't stay away. The teaching was line by line, verse by verse, book by book (I later learned that is called "expository teaching". That day I just knew I was learning what God had to say, not what someone else had to say about God). At the end of the class, I went up and asked the teaching pastor if there was anything in the bible about the principles of IVF that would help me understand why I was so uncomfortable with the idea of taking that route to build our family. The things he told me and showed me struck so deeply in my heart that I knew I was hearing the truth that I could not verbalize, but that was driving my hesitation.

The next night, I went to a gathering with some friends, two of which are very godly women. They knew that we were supposed to find something out about our fertility process the week before so after the meeting they pulled me aside and asked me about it. I started crying because I had begun to feel that pregnancy was not going to be part of my life experience. They listened patiently and then one of them said, "Can we pray for you?" Now, I don't know if you've ever said yes to that question expecting the person to pray...you know...LATER, but that is what I fully expected. After all, they did say "pray FOR you" not "pray WITH you" I had never in my life had anyone pray over me much less lay hands on me to do so, but that is exactly what they did. As they prayed and I wept, I began to open my heart to the Lord.

Okay, so, I guess I should tell you that I grew up in Alabama, so like a lot of Southerners, I thought I was a Christian by heritage. In other words, I grew up in and around church, so I thought (when I gave it any thought, which was rare) that I was "saved". The only problem with that is that I had never asked Jesus to SAVE ME. I had never asked him to FORGIVE ME. I had never REPENTED. I had never in my life had a "Romans moment" when I BELIEVED in my HEART and CONFESSED with my MOUTH. Because of this, I had heard a lot of what some people call "Christian-ese" phrases like "Talked to God", "Heard from God", or "Turned it over to God" and I had never had a clue what in the world those words meant...until those women prayed.

In that moment, I understood the meaning of the phrase "Turn it over to God" because in that moment I fully understood that I could not make myself pregnant, and neither could Steven make me pregnant. Only the good Lord, God, could do such a thing because He forms our bodies and knits us together in our mother's wombs. In that moment, I turned my pain, my feelings of loss, my grief, my desire to be a mother, and most of all my attempts to control the situation over to God.

Don't ask me how I know (this is a family-friendly blog), but Caleb was concieved the following Saturday. GOD IS GOOD and HIS MERCY ENDURES FOREVER!!

More on when I actually came to know MY GOOD GOD, in my next post.

Expectations

2008-04-16T09:54:00.004-05:00

We had our first homestudy appointment yesterday at the Jewish Family Services offices. Let me just start by saying that I am a person who has A LOT of trouble recovering, attitude-wise, if something happens that causes my day to look different than I thought it would. The appointment was for 9:30 am because my son goes to Mother's Day Out from 9 - 2. So the thought was we could go to the meeting and not be distracted. That is NOT what happened. Sweet Caleb (though I was not calling him that yesterday) has had trouble being separated from me, for any amount of time, ever since we moved to our new house. When I tried to drop him off at school he lost it. Now I don't mean he threw a tantrum because that would be easy(-ish) to leave. Oh, no, he broke down and weeped. "Please, Mommy, I don't want you to go! I want to go with you! I want YOU, Mommy!" All sobbing with tears streaming down his face. Needless to say, he came with me. Not because I'm such a compassionate mom (as if), but because I was already late for our appointment and couldn't wait any longer to get him calmed down. I was not kind to Caleb about it, but just told him to come on and let's go. Luckily, he did not even notice my irritation. As far as he was concerned he was leaving with Mommy and that's all he'd wanted, anyway.

As I drove to meet my husband to go the appointment I was VERY frustrated and annoyed. Not only was my son NOT supposed to be with me (in my mind), but I was late and I HATE being late. Also, my husband HATES to be late, so I knew he would be annoyed with me, too. As I drove, I started to think about the lesson I had done in my bible study that morning. We are studying the Lord's Prayer and that morning had looked at the phrase "Give us this day our daily bread". I was struck by the thought that I had not taken this whole situation to Him. He could have calmed Caleb's heart so he could have stayed at school, but I did not ask Him to. So instead He began to change my view of what my day would look like and my heart to accept it.

A little later while my husband drove, I talked to a friend I had seen that morning leaving Caleb's school. I wanted to apologize to her in case I had been short or rude...like I said, my attitude suffers when my plans don't work. She told me I hadn't been (to her), but she had prayed for me that the Lord would put my day into perspective for me. I love it when you get to tell someone He's answered a prayer they prayed for you.

Nothing about my day looked like I'd planned for it to, but it was still a good day.

Last Summer...The garage sale & God's provision

2008-04-07T09:15:00.006-05:00

By September we had chosen an adoption agency and knew that to adopt from the Philippines would cost between $14 - 19,000 plus travel expenses. We were drawn to the Philippines from the get-go because my husband is Filipino. (Not to mention great looking and an awesome father, but I digress :) ) So once we chose our agency and knew the general budget span we'd be dealing with, we FREAKED OUT...no, not really, but that number is a bit scary, no?

We know lots of people who have adopted in our area. There have been all kinds of fundraisers from garage sales to selling the most beautiful hand painted post cards you've ever seen. We decided to go for a garage sale to kick off our fund-raising/saving efforts because we had decided in August to build/move to a new home. So we started telling all our friends and neighbors that we were going to hold a garage sale to fund our adoption.

The response was overwhelming! We had friends, acquaintances and people we didn't even know donate everything from furniture to shoes! You've never SEEN so much stuff at a garage sale! What a beautiful look at how God can, and does, provide above and beyond what we can hope or imagine.

The sale was all morning and into early afternoon on 2 days in mid-September and when all was said and done we sold almost everything there was to sell (except a few things that we took to ThriftSmart, our local thrift store that funds several African relief organizations we believe in). There were also lots of folks who either didn't buy anything, but just gave us a dontation, or who paid more than the cost of thier purchases when they found out the reason for our sale. By the end of our 2 days we had made over $1100! WOW! I've never hosted a garage sale that big before and what a GREAT way to start off our adoption savings fund.

Over the next several months while our house was being built, we sold a few more items and recieved a few more gifts and donations. All the time we've been saving, too, toward the day when we could actually begin our home study (at our new home) and our paper work. As you know if you've read the previous posts, we've now moved into our new home and begun the paper work process. We discovered this weekend just how amazing God's provision REALLY is...
This weekend as we read through all the paper work we have to sign and send back, we came to a "Fee Agreement" that referred to a "Fee Schedule" we already had. So we got it out and looked it over. We got out the calculator and plugged in the cost of our home study (it wasn't on the list b/c we are using 2 different agencies one for home study, one for placement). As we added up the cost of each item we have pay in the next 2 months, we found that the total matches the total amount we've currently raised/saved EXACTLY! Now that, my friends, is God's provision.

Last summer...adoption is God's idea

2008-04-07T08:44:00.005-05:00

About a week after the Lord taught me that He is the Lord Who sees, Steven and I decided to start a weekly bible study together. It was just us, at home, and we chose a study we had bought the previous February, but hadn't started yet. The study is called "How do you walk the walk you talk?" We didn't even know what book of the bible it was on. When we started the study we were excited to find out it was on Ephesians. Neither of us had studied Ephesians before, so it was going to be fun to go through it together.

The day we started the study I had been discussing adoption with a new friend at church. We talked about how God had created adoption and I told her that another friend of mine had quoted a verse to that effect from the Bible, but I didn't know where the verse was.

The first night of the study was on verses 1:1-8a. I was blown away when we read verse 5. It says:

" In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. " (italics added)

Here was the verse I had spoken about just that morning with my friend, who is also considering adoption. I didn't know where to find it, so He showed me. His will truly is that we know Him through His word.

Beginning the Process

2008-04-04T16:39:00.002-05:00

So here it begins...our adoption journey. We began this process in our hearts last summer, and now we've registered with our agency and begun our paper work. Monday was a particularly good day...let me tell you about it.

First, we've just moved house and so I've not been able to check my email for about a week while we've waited for our internet to be set up. Today when I checked it, one of the 113 there for me to read was from our placement agency. I called them to ask a couple of clarifying questions and I got GREAT news!

1. We CAN request a girl 0-2 years old. Apparently the Philippines is very specific about who is allowed to specify what. The only families that can specify a girl under 2 are families of Filipino heritage (thank you Steven :) ) that do not already have a little girl. WOW!
2. We can not use the home study agency we'd planned on using. There are actually only 2 agencies in TN that our placement agency can currently work with. The first is too far away and will not work with us due to distance. The second...well if you know me at all you know that I am utterly in love with all things to do with Israel. Her people (God's people), her land (God's land), her history and most of all her God. So when I found out that the home study agency that He chose for us - because let's face it, He did - is Jewish Family Services I actually laughed out loud. Actually so did several of my friends (they know me well).
3. When we first began this journey last summer we got losts of conflicting information on how long the process should take and how long you have to wait for a referral. Today we found out that this year families of Filipino heritage have been waiting 6-12 months for a referral (compared to 18-24 months that we were told last summer). Again WOW!

So anyway, stay tuned. I can't wait to see how God is going to write our adoption story.

Last Summer...coming to terms with adopting

2008-04-04T15:51:00.003-05:00

Once Steven and I agreed that we should start researching adoption, I have to admit I was very sad. All I kept thinking about was all the milestones and moments I would miss in our child's life. I actually spent a fair amount of time on the phone with my good friend Jessica crying about missing those first precious months when she would do little more that sleep in my arms. Missing out on her first smile, first laugh, first tooth, the first time she'll roll over or sit up on her own, maybe even the first time she crawls or takes her first steps. The thought of all the missed time was utterly heartbreaking to me at first.

A few days into our research I was driving to a friends new home to help her unpack some boxes. As I was driving I saw an electric sign flash "Jeremiah 29:11". That's all it said. Well, I've only been studying the Word for a couple of years and I haven't read Jeremiah yet, so this verse was unfamiliar to me. I made a mental note to look it up when I got home, but as I'm sure you could guess, I forgot. The day I remembered was the day I got confirmation (in the form of a negative pregnancy test) that the condition that made it so difficult to concieve the first time around was, in fact, active again. As I was crying about all those things I would miss, the Lord reminded me of this verse. When I looked it up, I was so encouraged. Let me share it with any of you who may not be familiar with it:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'"

Now, I know that we cannot take this verse out of context and apply willy-nilly to whatever circumstance we choose, but I do believe that Jesus is our future and our hope and hope is what I needed that day. Also, the next two verses say,

12‘Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'

Even with those words of comfort and encouragement, I was still sad, but He knew that. Later that afternoon, I was doing my bible study. I was studying the names of God and that day I came to His name, El Roi, the God Who Sees. Throughout the lesson that day He reminded me that my adoptive child is His child first and He sees all things. Even though I won't be there to witness those precious milestone moments, He will be. Not one moment of her life will be missed by her Heavenly Father.

Last summer

2008-04-01T21:10:00.009-05:00

It's never been easy for us to conceive children. With our son, Caleb, (the peanut in the middle) it took us about 2 years. He is going to be 3 in two weeks now and we started "trying" to give him a sibling in January of '07. After a few months, and no results (so to speak) my doctor suggested this watch that can help you predict your most fertile days of the month. (I'm REALLY sorry for any guys who happen to be reading this...it IS part of the story, though) I was just barely within the parameters of being able to use it cycle length wise, so we bought it.

I suppose I should stop here and tell you that after our journey to have Caleb, both my husband Steven and I knew that we have been called of God to adopt. We just didn't know when or what it would look like. Now back to last summer.

The first month we had the watch, that "parameter" I mentioned before no longer fit within its acuracy standards...and it never has since then. In other words, while we were trying our BEST to concieve our way, God was working out His plan the way only He can and always does. You see, I'm a bit of a control freak. I want to do things the way I want to do them whenever possible. My heavenly Father knows this trait of mine very well and often does things like this the remind me that He is in control, not me, and when things are not working out the way I thought they would (read should), it is most often because I am not seeking His will in the matter, only my own. So, we began talking and praying about adoption, and oh boy did He show me alot.